Mad chickens and ducks

Goodbye and new beginnings

2011-02-21T12:12:00.001Z

Thanks to everyone who's been worried because I've not posted in a while. This will be my last post on this blog because of many reasons, my life has changed in so many ways and nothing is quite the same anymore. I don't think I'm the same person either, but I believe all things in life happen for a reason and as one door closes another one opens. Fresh starts and new beginnings are both exciting and scary all at the same time, but nothing in life remains the same forever and it's always good to push on. Star's blog will remain as it is and hopefully when spring arrives we'll be able to get on with some new training.

At the moment I need to focus all my creative energy on producing some new work because I want to build a good future for me and Star. I've decided to give up my website when the subscription runs out in a month because basically I want to do new stuff that's not pet portraits so you can catch up with my new art at http://bonbondederriere.deviantart.com/ I'm really excited as I want to have a go at some more creative art, digital stuff and graphic art. I dare say at some point I will start a new blog as well just because I like writing but until then thanks for sticking with me, putting up with my ramblings and I wish you all the very best xxx

Extreme Sheep Art!

2011-01-27T12:28:00.000Z

I'm posting this for my mum; what do you think Laika as the sheep dog, Bobble, Mitten and Cardie covered in fairy lights and Star could provide the musical accompaniment with her piano??!

A bit fed up.....

2011-01-23T12:30:00.000Z

Unfortunately I found the little black Pekin hen had died during last night. She'd been a bit mopey for a couple of days, but in all honesty none of the hens have exactly had a spring in their step lately the weather's been so dull and damp. You see a massive difference in how perky they all look if you get a bright frosty morning as opposed to these dismal days where it hardly gets light at all. I feel a bit bad as last week I went out with some apple strudel for them and she got a bit excited and flew in the pond trying to rush over. She got straight out on her own and seemed fine, only her legs were properly wet so I didn't really pay much attention to it. It's always sad when you find one dead but I guess at least it's a peaceful end to go at night when they're asleep. I would just love some nice bright weather for all of us, it's dull damp and muddy, plus there appears to be as much mud inside the house as out at the moment, roll on spring!

Bobble, Mitten and Cardie do elevenses

2011-01-21T12:25:00.001Z

I think I've finally learnt to use the video thing on my phone, woohoo, who needs instructions anyway! Now don't be deceived by their cute woolly exteriors and the fact the look well trained (-ish) they are in fact monsters. Yesterday Bobble mugged me for a ginger nut, jumped up my leg and left me covered in sheep muck. The only good thing about it was any queues in asda mysteriously disappeared when I came along. While I was there I also got myself a Shaun the Sheep dvd. last time I was feeling a bit miserable my mum sent me one and I laughed so much I cried. There's a big fat sheep in it that reminds me a lot of Bobble, it farts a lot! So recommended viewing for days which turn out to be rubbish.

For goodness sake......

2011-01-20T12:36:00.000Z

I decided I was going to try a different style of art, much as I enjoy the animals I think I've fallen down the trap of doing what I think people want to buy, which still doesn't sell anyway. Somewhere along the line I've lost a bit of creativity so I thought new year, new art, new medium. I've done some sketches and prepared three boards for oil paintings. So there I was sat in my studio thinking bloody hell, I'm scared to start oils being a new medium and all that, what if I do it wrong?? I had to rationalise this as it's silly; it's paint, board and brushes what on earth is there to be worried about? I think the problem with me is I always want to feel I'm pleasing people and I've had to realise you can't please everyone all the time, it's stifling me creatively. Besides I think people can be really over critical these days anyway, they seem to get pleasure moaning about what everyone else does all the time. I was really inspired by Molly Crabapple who started Dr Sketchy's anti art schools. It doesn't matter if you can or can't draw as long as you have a great time doing it. All art should be about personal freedom of expression rather than worrying constantly about what anyone else will say, so there should be no "wrong". So I'm going to experiment and have fun doing it, or at least try to lose some of the inhibitions that have been holding me back. Feel free to remind me of this if I wibble!!

Blocked up

2011-01-19T11:58:00.000Z

Sorry I've neglected the blog again for several reasons, circumstances, the fact I don't want to be on here moaning about the wet and mud when I know others have it much worse, plus the fact I've had writers block. It is quite unlike me not to be able to think of anything much to say, I haven't been feeling particularly funny either. Every day I've opened up the blog and just felt like no, I can't do it today. It's been very frustrating, especially as being quite shy I always find writing an easier method of communication with the world. So when I find myself sat here with nothing really I want to say, that's been quite hard for me. Creativity is like a muscle, it needs to be exercised and I really need to get firm with myself to keep going at times. When writing just flows out of you it's a wonderful experience, when it doesn't it's just awful. Normally I'm not one to lack inspiration and ideas but I have lately.

However I think maybe I need to make the most of it as it could, just possibly, lead to a change for me, especially in art. I'm feeling the need to go in a different direction now, I just hope I don't have a confidence wibble about it. I've been looking at different stuff to inspire me; colours and moods, reading some fiction, which is something I haven't indulged myself with in a very long time, and enjoying the odd film too. I've kind of come to the conclusion I need to maybe start doing more stuff for me, without feeling selfish or guilty about it as I so often do. Patience, persistence and perseverance are what I keep telling myself!

January-itis!

2011-01-12T11:32:00.001Z

I have to apologise for neglecting the blog so much, although I'd like to point out any rumours of me having had some sort of holiday are completely untrue! Apparently Thomas Cook don't do package holidays including chicken and duck accommodation, although the sheep wanted to go on a cruise with a load of ewes but the movement forms were so complicated I think they may have to settle for a coach holiday to Wales instead! Anyway I think I have a very bad case of January-itis, it's dank, wet and miserable so hard to motivate yourself to do very much. Plus I've just got a lot of stuff going on in life generally, which naturally causes me to worry myself stupid, then not be able to sleep properly. Sunday night I managed a paltry three hours sleep from 6am to 9am which left me feeling like a zombie for two days. Excessive worrying also leaves me devoid of much mental energy so I can only perform simple functions such as operating the coffee machine and opening the biscuit tin. The other thing that's really bugging me is despite being registered with the telephone preference service I'm now getting an annoying number of nuisance calls from scammers abroad, who are quite frankly a pain in the rear. I'm thinking of getting an answerphone with the message; "Hi this is Emma if you know me leave a message, and if you don't f*ck off and leave me alone"!!! Actually I'll just give the phone to the sheep, they can answer it or eat it!

Lethal weapon

2011-01-05T12:26:00.000Z

You know you're getting a bit absent minded when you try to put the orange juice carton in the mug cupboard and go to look for a fork in the fridge! I'm one of these people who generally has a million and one things going through their mind at any one time, so sorting that all out into some sort of order can be problematical. I'm "right brained" and will continue to use that as an excuse for irrational behaviour of any kind! With animals I always find it helpful to have a routine for all the daily jobs, that way I know what needs to be done next and am sure that I haven't forgotten anything. I don't think my daily routine has really varied much for ages, I kind of go into auto pilot in the morning and don't even think about what I'm doing. Usually the same thing applies to all the teatime jobs too; feed and water sheep then do Star and the chickens.

The sheep have a lovely designer bespoke sheep trough. Oh ok I admit it, it's a cheap washing up bowl but sheep troughs were about £70 and I couldn't afford it, besides which with only the three of them they hardly require a water container like an Olympic swimming pool anyway. One watering can full of water is enough to fill their "trough" so each day when I go down with their tea time biscuits I do the water too. Without fail Bobble will try and butt the back of the watering can, or worse still my knees, just to see if he can make me spill anything. After I've done them then I go off and do Star's tea. Only the other day I must have completely forgotten to pick up the watering can on my way out, Star certainly didn't remind me. I only realised the next morning when I went down and a battered looking watering can was lying in the middle of the sheep's pen. Heaven only knows what they'd been doing with it; playing football, hitting each other over the head and playing it like a musical instrument are only a few of the options that spring to mind. I'm just lucky they hadn't quite managed to rip the spout off and it's still kind of functioning, albeit a bit leaky. Obviously I'll have to remember to be more careful in future!!

Obsessive compulsive worriers unite!

2011-01-04T12:41:00.000Z

I think I need to start some sort of self help club for obsessive compulsive worriers like me. I've not been sleeping very well the past couple of weeks because of various random nuisance worries popping into my head, and naturally the more you try not to think about something, the more you actually end up thinking about it! It's a vicious circle and stuff ends up going around and around in my head for hours. To make matters worse everything in life seems worse at 3am in the morning, even something as insignificant as a lost sock becomes of life changing significance at 3am. You'd think art wouldn't be stressful but I find myself up in the middle of the night worrying about doing paintings. I have to sit myself down and give myself a stern talking to along the lines of :"For goodness sake Emma, it's only a bit of paper, stop worrying". It's not all frolicking through the bluebells in a smock with a paint brush in one hand I can tell you. Then just as I was about to get off to sleep again, Tesco in their infinite wisdom decided to text me at 4.20am this morning to inform me they'd taken £2 off my phone credit for unlimited internet browsing. That's just great, cheers Tesco because I really couldn't wait until 9am to find that out! If I wasn't so tired I'd complain. Hopefully by tonight I'll be sufficiently tired not to let any of these niggles bother me, here's hoping for a decent night's sleep!

You won't believe it!

2011-01-02T11:50:00.000Z

No go on you won't, in fact I bet you can't even guess what surprising mystery event has occurred here! *Cue drum roll*.................................one of the chickens has laid an egg! It's amazing, a real egg, I'd almost forgotten what a proper egg looks like it's been so long since I've seen one. I was actually thinking of putting up photos of eggs in the nest boxes just to remind the hens what these facilities are provided for, and it's not to lounge about asleep in at night! In fact the news gets even better, we had one big egg and two small bantam eggs, so I've almost got half an omelette there! I'm not entirely sure what's prompted this resurgence, ok trickle, of egg laying. Actually I'm wondering if rumours have got around that I was spotted stuffing my face with a sausage roll last week, so now maybe the hens don't feel quite as safe as they once did! I absolutely sure they didn't sneak out to Tesco's and buy it as it hasn't got one of those red date stamps on it. As a reward they had a big plate of fruity scones this morning, obviously I'm hoping to bribe them into laying the other half of the omelette later.

I haven't eaten an egg for months now as I won't buy them from the shops. To be honest nothing compares to a proper home laid egg, shop ones always look insipid and taste of nothing, once you've had a proper tasty egg there's no going back I'm afraid. Even the "free range" eggs don't taste of much, I suspect the hens don't have a lavish diet of windfall fruit, insects and chocolate digestives that mine do. My only minor complaint is that quite often when a hen comes back into lay you get the odd double yolker, these are generally much bigger than a normal egg and are carefully put to one side for me as a perk of the job. Unfortunately none of these look like double yolkers, however I'm not going to complain. Cheese omelette, bring it on girls!

New Year!

2011-01-01T12:30:00.000Z

OMG it's the first day of 2011 and that means we only have one whole year left before the world is going to end (again)! I guess I'd better make the most of it then, starting by eating this delicious chocolate biscuit and making sure I don't waste any crumbs in my laptop. Basically this year I am going in a completely different direction with the art stuff, in a last ditch attempt to actually sell more than one painting a year. I have to find a niche, and one preferably where I can find patrons who want to buy the stuff I produce. Really I need to treat it more as a proper job now. Whilst working at home has it's advantages, it also means I'm continually sidetracked by loads of other jobs that need doing, the net result being the art side of it gets shoved to one side. I am going to have to be very strict with myself about putting aside enough hours to do my stuff and not being distracted. The other part of it is not to allow myself to be stopped by my innate self consciousness and underlying perfectionist tendencies. Sometimes that prevents me from even getting started in the first place, I want to be freer in my work and able to do what I want, rather than worry about satisfying other people. So that's my goal for this year, a new collection of artwork and writing, different to what I've done before. If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!

Break open the party poppers..........

2010-12-31T19:50:00.000Z

........ it's New Year's eve. Obviously I'm out living it up...ahem...well stuck indoors on the computer with a large glass of wine! Actually I'm not sure I'll make it to midnight, usually I'm curled up in bed with a book well before then. Thanks for sticking with us over 2010 and I hope you all have a great 2011 and may it bring lots of happiness and all the things you wish for. I thought I just saw three sheep in party hats conga past the window.... maybe I'd better ease up on that wine!

The fog

2010-12-30T18:05:00.000Z

We seem to have swapped freezing conditions for fog now, thick fog that hasn't lifted for a few days. We're having a one pylon day today, as that's as far as I could see. It's a nightmare here being below sea level as any low fog and mist tends to linger a lot longer. I had to drive yesterday evening and that was one of the most frightening experiences in my entire life as I could only see a few feet in front of the car. Even on a road I know really well it's easy to become completely disorientated when it's like that. I hate driving at the best of times, but am quietly proud of myself I did it all on my own and didn't put it off! The chickens think it's outrageous as they have to stay in their run due to the fact a fox could easily get into the garden without anyone seeing while it's like this. I think at this rate the sheep are going to need to be on Prozac as they're completely fed up. The only way I can coax them out of the shelter is by offering a ginger biscuit. How on earth they'd survive in a normal flock I don't know as most sheep don't have the luxurious accommodation mine do. I think I might have spoilt them, now they can't survive without constant attention! I went out to get a new calendar yesterday and nearly got one called "Beautiful sheep", however all the pictures on there appeared to be rams with extraordinarily large testicles and I just thought it might make my boys feel a bit inferior, so I had to go for the wacky world of sheep instead!

This is underwater love.....

2010-12-28T12:16:00.000Z

After having a couple of weeks of sub zero temperatures last night it decided to thaw out a bit, so this morning I was greeted with two acres ankle deep in water, brilliant! The sheep have decided that they've had enough of extreme climatic conditions and have retired to their pavilion for the rest of the winter. Now they expect me to wait on them hand and foot with regular deliveries of hay. Bobble is so lazy he pulls the hay out of the manger and makes a bed out of it so he doesn't need to move to eat anything. I think Bobble smelling hay is also a deterrent to the other two, so I have to put a separate pile for them at the other end. Now Star is down in their paddock living it large and cantering about as it's better drained down there.

The pond has been completely frozen over since the power cut last week when the pump stopped working. Every single day the ducks have come out, jumped on the ice then looked at me as if to ask where all the water has gone. They've had to content themselves with washing up bowls on the patio, where they can make an icy slick on the concrete to ensure I slip over every time I need to get to the food bins. Today we have at last manged to make some sort of hole in the ice with the aid of a sledge hammer, so the ducks are having great fun ice surfing across on their bellies before dropping into the water. They love the fact the grass is now also covered with water as it's now like a duck aquatic theme park out the back. I guess I shouldn't complain as at least I can feel my fingers today. It's all good clean fun in the countryside!!

Thank dog it's Christmas!!

2010-12-27T18:07:00.000Z

I'm completely convinced that Christmas is the only time 90% of other dogs around here actually get a walk. I take mine up the track pretty much every day, unless the weather is really bad, yet it's only at Christmas we ever come across any other dog walkers, in fact sometimes it's chock-a-block with them. The only person I see regularly exercising dogs is our neighbour who's often out training his gundogs of an evening. What annoys me further is these Christmas dog walkers roar up in a posh 4wd, which they usually leave blocking farm access, let the dog out for all of 200m before turning around and loading the poor thing back up again, it hardly seems worth the petrol. I feel really sorry for the the dogs, they must be stuck inside all year around waiting for their annual countryside exercise because people are feeling guilty about eating too many mince pies. I guess at least I have the satisfaction of knowing although my dogs may be a bit noisy and grubby, at least they get plenty of mental and physical stimulation each day and don't have to wait until Christmas for it.

Emma C's Diary.........

2010-12-26T12:58:00.000Z

Self confidence: plummeted to a new all time low that doesn't even register on any known scale
Units of alcohol: lost count, and I'm not sure half a litre of Bailey's counts anyway as it's diluted with cream
Chocolate oranges: five and counting, but they are almost a fruit.....
Dress size: 8, yeah right, who am I trying to kid after stuffing my face like hog
Cigarettes: None, but I am definitely taking it up in the new year due to my escalating stress levels

So we're nearly at the end of another year, time to contemplate making those New Year's resolutions, whilst conveniently forgetting all the ones that weren't adhered to last time around. Despite forcing myself to sit through numerous episodes of The Apprentice I am still battling with chronic nice-ness syndrome and it's still ruining my life. Quite frankly someone could still stamp on my toe and I'd politely thank them for it, before offering them a cup of tea. Disappointingly I am still not ruthless, self centred or egotistical, nor do I have any of the financial success which seems to go hand in hand with these attributes. I'm wondering now if I just need to face the fact I'm not cut out to be a super bitch, maybe my role in life is to just be "the nice one" who hands around the tea and biscuits in any sort of crisis.

I'm also rapidly coming to the conclusion that the only other route to ensure success in life is to be a vapid perma-tanned blonde, with fake boobs and the IQ of a Post-It note. Thank you very much Santa for the massive body insecurity issues and lack of self confidence, it really is the gift that keeps on giving all year round. These blonde cuties never seem to be short of much in life, and lack of personality rarely seems to stand in their way when it comes to getting what they want. Don't believe anyone who says "real beauty comes from inside", it's all bollocks and designed to distract you from the fact 98% of people are only concerned with the external wrapping. It just seems so unfair, I've got naturally blonde hair and no-one's ever really fawned over me when I wear high heels. Maybe it's due to the fact I look like I'm about to imminently topple over A la leaning tower of Pisa! *sigh* maybe life is trying to tell me to stick to wellies in future!

So I'm still contemplating my New Year's resolutions. Obviously ruthlessness is out of the window, as are fake boobs because I'd never be able to pick up bales of hay with those things in the way. Or manhandle a squiggly sheep for shearing come to think of it. Maybe I should resolve to like myself just the way I am; shy, quirky, crap in the mornings, thoughtful, emotional, and all the other things that come with the full Emma experience that possibly 99.9% of people will never actually get to see.

Grab a mince pie.............

2010-12-24T12:03:00.000Z

....before I eat them all! Seriously I have to send a huge apology to anyone who didn't get a Christmas card this year. Basically I've been trying not to think too much about Christmas and only wrote two cards; one to my sister and one to my mother. Both of them are immensely scary, and I didn't want to upset either of them or my life wouldn't be worth living!! Sadly life sometimes gets in the way of having fun when really it should be the other way around. Anyway tomorrow will pretty much be another "normal" working day from the point of view all the animal jobs still have to be done. All the animals have already hung up their stockings, although I notice Bobble had hung up a huge sack, so I don't know what was on his Christmas list, a buxom ewe probably. I've left out my rather modest list of Christmas wishes for Santa, and would just like to tell him honestly I'm not that bothered about the horsebox, just the other stuff will be fine thanks! So me and all my feathery, furry, woolly and hairy beasties would like to wish you a very merry Christmas, have lots of fun and enjoy yourselves xxxxx

Humbugs!!

2010-12-23T11:52:00.000Z

Someone mentioned Christmas is this weekend?? Silly place to put it and very inconvenient. So this morning I had to get up at stupid O'Clock in the cold and dark to get to Tesco's before it became packed with hassled looking shoppers panic buying Brussels sprouts. I hate crowded supermarkets, crowds of sheep I can deal with, but rude people I'm afraid I can't. Being small I tend to be easily trampled and run over by trolleys. I had a comprehensive list of three items; cream, cheese and loo rolls, that I thought would be enough to get through Christmas without too many problems. Honestly I hate grocery shopping, I impulse buy stuff I don't need and never end up with anything I really do need. If you turn up at mine over Christmas you'll be ok so long as you like cheesy nibbles, pizza and chocolate oranges!!

I also had a small stash of clubcard vouchers to use as well so instead of buying essential grocery items with them naturally I ended up getting a new mobile phone. It only cost me a fiver with the special offer of £20 off if I bought £40 of non essential groceries I actually don't need. The buttons on the old one were a nuisance and I kept accidentally sending people blank text messages at 10p a time. I think people were worrying I'd finally lost the plot completely. This phone's all fancy with a video camera and touch screen, I just need to ensure I keep it out of Elza's way as she eats phones, text messages are terribly exciting to a dog that doesn't get out much! So now I have yet another technical gadget that I don't know how to use because I hate instruction booklets, it's due to the fact I'm right brained! If you phone or text me you might have to hang on while I work out how to use it, or indeed realise it's my phone that's actually ringing!

My terrible guilty secret........

2010-12-22T12:03:00.000Z

I feel awful about it but I just couldn't stop myself, in fact I'd been thinking about doing it for the past five days until it all came to a head and I couldn't bear it any longer. Yesterday I ate a quarter pounder with cheese, the cow version not the veggie option, so today I hang my head in shame. I felt evil about it but I was sat in Mc Donald's, under the table so no one could see me, stuffing it down my face like a greedy pig with beef fat pouring down my chin! I have to say after not having eaten meat for so long it was disgustingly good, so good I didn't care about the fact the entire restaurant was staring at me as I was making the same moaning noises like the famous scene in "When Harry met Sally". Sales of quarter pounders probably tripled due to me shouting "OMG, yes, yes, yeeeeesssss!" whilst simultaneously stuffing burger into my mouth as fast as I could. Actually I'm disgusted at my complete and utter lack of will power, it is disgraceful, although I do hold this cold weather to blame for a lot of these meat cravings. Now I need to go off and do some meditation so I can summon my inner strength to ensure I don't cave in any more and reach for a Ginster's pasty......................

The generation game!

2010-12-21T11:53:00.000Z

We're still on electricity from the generator, but I'm not complaining as long as we have power! Now several large holes have appeared outside the village shop, along with traffic lights, and various random electricity blokes standing around them sipping coffee, tutting and shaking their heads! I guess it must be a man thing, they dig holes then have to spend several days peering into them deciding what to do, punctuated with copious tea breaks! I don't think the village has seen this much excitement since a trailer load of sugar beet tipped over. I was kind of hoping since we're getting power from the generator that it might be free, until I saw the electric meter whizzing around then I had to go around the house and turn every electrical appliance back off again. OK technically I didn't need six heaters on and every light in the house, but I just thought I would try and make the most of the situation. The chickens were very disappointed I had to take the fan heater out of their run. The other thing was due to the power cut and my not being able to have tea or coffee I rather overdid it when we got reconnected. Due to this huge caffeine overdose I then had to clean the bathroom and the kitchen to try and dissipate some of the energy, I was fairly whizzing around the house with a cloth in one hand. So when we'll be reconnected who knows, I guess it depends on how many mugs of tea are required to solve the problem.

My day with E-On

2010-12-20T11:50:00.000Z

The electricity went off at 3am Sunday morning, I woke up about five because I was freezing due to the lack of electric blanket being on. I hate having cold feet, so had to get up and put a pair of socks on. I got back in bed hoping it would be back on by the time I had to get up. 7.30am I was alerted by Laika to the fact some random guy in a fluorescent yellow coat was wandering around the garden looking at our telegraph pole. Apparently there was some problem, a generator was mentioned then off he went. It turns out there is a fault underground *somewhere* by the village shop, which is going to require the road digging up to fix it. Due to the fact we're so isolated we're at the end of a spur off the normal supply so power couldn't be re-routed as it normally is. The problem with phoning the E-On helpline to try and get any information is they're bloody useless and don't appear to care that their customers are without power, presumably this is because they're sat in a lovely warm call centre with a coffee machine!

Typically having recently spent a whole weekend without heating due to the boiler breaking down, I now had the prospect of freezing once again, and this time without even coffee, tea or the internet to pass the time. We have a woodburning stove but it takes ages to heat up and can't boil water. We have a small generator we use to power the sheep clippers but it won't boil a kettle annoyingly, or any other heat producing device. Lunchtime came and went, I was forced to eat an old scone because there wasn't anything else that didn't require heating. By about three I was starting to get really upset at facing the prospect of another cold night when the cavalry arrived in the form of about twenty E-On blokes in variously coloured jackets and a massive generator on a truck. The generator had come all the way from Bedford as they needed seven in total to get enough power for all the homes and farms cut off. I have never been so glad to have electricity back on so I could have something hot to drink! So we're on a generator at the moment until the fault can be fixed, I think the chickens will be moaning about the noise as it's right next to their run but they'll just have to put up with it so I can get my caffeine fix!!

It must be cold.....

2010-12-18T13:08:00.000Z

Because the ducks don't want to come out, they declined the invitation of the open gate this morning preferring to lounge about in their thermal slipper socks in the run. The only thing I do have to be careful of is the ever present threat of them freezing themselves in their run by splashing water about. It's happened before and it's no fun trying to defrost the door with a watering can of hot water. It's actually so cold as my nose was running it was freezing into icicles this morning, nice, and so glamorous too! I think Bobble was wishing he was in amongst half a dozen buxom ewes that could cuddle around him to keep him warm. Instead he has to make do with Mitten and Cardie, who I don't think can compete with the well upholstered cutlets of a nice plump ewe!

The one thing that does annoy me is the way lots of people use the bad weather as an excuse not to do stuff. When you have animals you actually can't sit on your fat lazy rear thinking well it's a bit cold and slippery, I can't feed the sheep. You damn well have to move it down there and make sure they have food and water regardless of whether you can feel your fingers or not. There are farmers in some of the worst affected regions spending the entire day trying to make sure all their livestock are ok, not sitting on their bums complaining about it, which achieves nothing apart from the production of hot air. I think it fosters a completely different attitude to life having animals that rely on you. It may be hard out here at times, but it's made me a much more resilient character.

Sadly our country appears to be driven by an increasingly hysterical media, who even go to the trouble of producing fancy graphics with a snowflake and "The Big Freeze" written in ten foot high letters on every bloody news bulletin. It's no wonder people are panic buying crumpets and cup-a-soups. Perma-tanned news readers sit in T shirts in tropically heated studios with concerned looking furrowed brows, while some poor reporter is waist deep in a Scottish snowdrift risking hypothermia just to tell us it's snowing there. I'm sure people in Scandinavian countries, Alaska, Canada and the like are having a bloody good laugh at us now.

Give me strength.......,

2010-12-17T18:15:00.000Z

Ok I hate supermarket shopping at the best of times, but Christmas becomes an absolute nightmare to try and get in and out in one piece. First you have to negotiate the car park, why oh bloody why can some people not manage to park in one single bay?? Wisbech is the home of crap parkers in the whole of the UK, 90% of the driving inhabitants need to park across two bays and as far as I'm concerned if you can't get a car into a parking bay you shouldn't be allowed on the road. Then you get the ones who can't be arsed to walk 5m to the trolly bit so they just leave their trolley blocking a bay, or maybe even two.

Then you get in the store only to find trading of any regular groceries has been suspended, and you can only now buy Brussels sprouts, huge lumps of cheese that would feed the whole of Somerset for six months, and small fiddly party food. The other thing about Christmas food is you find yourself contemplating buying products you would never even look at the whole rest of the year. Like those orange and lemon jelly slices, I think I've probably only ever eaten five of them in my entire life, yet every year I consider buying them with the full knowledge they'll sit in the cupboard until at least Easter when I'll end up giving them to the chickens. I swear asda has some subliminal messages hidden in the crap music they play in store as inevitably I come out with at least three items I never intended to purchase and don't really want.

I'm also having to curb myself from any aisles containing sausage rolls in case I can't help myself and eat one. I found myself lingering around the delicatessen looking longingly at pork pies as well, this meat and pastry obsession is taking a turn for the worst. It comes to something when you're getting strange looks for lovingly fondling a Ginsters pasty through the wrapper. I think if I do succumb it will be to the tempting scourge of vegetarians everywhere....bacon. The stuff is damn near irresistible when you've not eaten meat for a few years. I'm afraid quorn bacon is like pink cardboard flavoured with smoke and will never replace a sandwich dripping with disgusting grease......mmmmm........OMG I must resist, resist!!

Tired and underprepared.......

2010-12-16T11:23:00.000Z

I need to apologise now to anyone who's expecting a Christmas card and doesn't get one. Basically I only realised yesterday that Christmas is bloody well next week and I haven't bought anything, done anything or otherwise prepared in any shape or form for festive frivolities. Frankly I blame the fact I didn't have an advent calender this year. Normally it's difficult enough for me to remember what day of the week it is, let alone what month we're in, as I just kind of drift from day to day worrying about the immediate jobs that need doing with the animals. We're currently battling with quagmire like muddy conditions, Star is now officially brown, and all the chickens are wearing waders. The dogs bring more mud inside than is currently out in the field, I've kind of given up with the carpet. I've discovered if you squint you can't see dirt as easily! Webster is being a complete pain and keeps having to be caught in the pond net, and the duck run is a health hazard due to poo splattered up the walls. Obviously the icing on the cake was when the washing machine decided to dump water all over the kitchen floor due to the outlet pipe being blocked, possibly with flotsam from the horse treats in the pockets of every pair of trousers I own! So basically it's disorganised chaos as per usual!

JSS

2010-12-13T11:42:00.000Z

I'm afraid we've got a pretty bad outbreak of JSS at the moment and I'm struggling to cope with it. JSS occurs when you have three sheep wanting a fuss, but only have two available hands with which to administer the cuddles. The non cuddled sheep often gets very upset about being left out and tries to butt his way into the middle of the other two, thus upsetting everyone and the cuddler getting caught in the ensuing fracas. I'm trying to think of some ways to sort the situation out, but first I need to identify the causes of JSS. The first possible cause is lack of daylight, the sheep version of SAD, so maybe they need a lightbox for Christmas, or failing that a sunbed. I'll have to make sure I get the little goggles if we do go for the sunbed option. The second possible cause is the cold weather. Despite the fact they have abundant woolly coats I'm wondering if at the very least they need scarves and hats, or maybe even a body warmer. If that doesn't work I'll have to get them an environmentally polluting patio warmer and possibly get arrested for crimes against climate. The third cause could be lack of grass. At the moment they look with disgust when the corral gate is opened each morning at the dregs of grass left. I'm thinking of going for a roof option, like these posh sports stadiums, and getting the paddock re turfed every four weeks. Actually I might need to employ a groundsman. Now people may well be sat there thinking the obvious solution is just to have another pair of hands, well if you are offering to hug a sheep then please come and be my guest, I'm afraid the pay is rubbish and I can't be held responsible for injuries sustained due to horns but there will be a cup of tea and biscuit on offer!

Insomnia

2010-12-11T12:47:00.000Z

I hate it when I can't sleep properly, argggh! Anyone who knows me will know I am not the world's best person to be around when I'm tired, and I'm certainly not what you would call a morning person either! I wish I could bounce out of bed bright and full of life, but the fact is I crawl out and can just about manage to sip a cup of tea. I get periodic bouts of insomnia sometimes caused by my incessant worrying about practically everything, including worrying that I am worrying. Or they are sometimes what I call creative bouts of insomnia where I have this insane urge to write or paint in the middle of the night because my mind seems to be doing overtime. If it were just me to think about I'd probably work some very odd hours and be up singing along to Muse at 3am with a paintbrush in one hand if I felt like it. As it is I lay in bed, turn over, turn over again, and again, until the duvet looks like it's been through several cycles of the tumble drier and I'm virtually cocooned like a chrysalis in the thing. Then I lay there and think well I must stop thinking about stuff, which then makes my mind start thinking about all kinds of random rubbish that I don't really want in there in the first place *sigh* I also have really weird dreams when I do eventually get to sleep. I had one the other night about Bobble escaping, but for some reason we were in Wales?? You know what happened last time I dreamt about him getting out and it turned out to be a premonition, so now I'm wondering if a move to Wales is on the cards! Or alternatively it could just be extreme tiredness..................

Animals

2010-12-10T12:08:00.000Z

I was watching the news last night with the so called student "protests" in London which to be honest seems little more than an excuse for mindless violence and thuggery. As far as I'm concerned anyone who throws a two litre bottle of water at a police horse doesn't deserve to have a university education funded by the tax payer, either fully or partially. What on earth motivates people to behave in such a manner is completely beyond me. It annoys me even more when these thugs are then described as "animals". Sorry but my animals actually behave far better than that, and I'm including Bobble in this, who is renowned for his very destructive acts involving salt lick holders. Animals are lucky enough not to have all the worst of human character traits; malice, hate, envy and so on. Yes mine may be a bit of a handful from time to time but at least their reasons are pure. Sometimes to be quite honest I feel embarrassed to be a human being, lots of people today seem to be selfish and have no manners whatsoever. If it wasn't for the fact I have some really lovely friends that I know from the internet at times I think I'd lose my faith in human nature entirely. I'm proud to live with animals and as far as I'm concerned they set a far better standard of behaviour than a lot of people.

Sub zero

2010-12-08T12:02:00.000Z

Hello from the frozen wastelands of Norfolk! I'm celebrating this morning as it's above freezing for the first time in days, woohoo! It's been a full time job just trying to keep all the waters defrosted so everyone could drink, who needs the gym when you can transport watering cans full of hot water up and down the track to the sheep all day. Maybe I need to clicker train them so they can do it themselves. Then again if Bobble came indoors he may well never want to go back out. I can just imagine the ensuing chaos.

When it's very cold like this every job seems to take longer, chipping frozen horse poo off the corral surface with a pick axe being only one of them. I'm not kidding you can easily break your toe tripping over that stuff. It's just lots more hard work, which I'm not averse to, I just wish it was warmer and more pleasurable. The animals are the motivation though, they can't do these things for themselves so they rely on me completely to care for them. There have been a couple of times, usually at about 10pm when I've got all warm then have to go back out and do the hay, where you do think I can't do this anymore. It takes a certain strength of spirit to keep going, I like to think it's character building. At least that's what I tell myself anyway. It always makes me laugh when people think it's "living the dream" because I know they have no idea how relentless it can be, particularly in winter. Would I give it up? I'd be lying if I said no because sometimes the thought does cross my mind there are easier ways of living. However the benefits mostly outweigh the downsides. I'm fit, mentally strong and frankly can have a saner more enjoyable conversation with the animals than with many people. Animals don't lie, they don't try to screw you over and they're always pleased to see me even when my hair's a mess and I smell. What more could I ask for!

The chicken's liberation army!

2010-12-06T12:40:00.000Z

Thankfully we've had a bit of a thaw yesterday so there are enough snow-less patches for the chickens to be able to come out for a bit. Some chickens just won't step on snow come what may, and have an ingenious variety of techniques to avoid it; jumping, flying, hopscotch and even catapulting each other over the white bits. Mostly the past week they've restricted themselves to the covered bit of their run where it is dry. I've been chucking bits of dried bread in there to keep them out of mischief. A bargain cheaper alternative to a peck-a-block (otherwise known as a chicken activity centre, to distract them from pecking each other) is to dry out huge chunks of unsliced bread in a low oven until it's very hard. That tends to keep them occupied for a while when there's nothing else to do. Due to the fact it's very cold I've also started them on mixed corn to up the calories. Mine are really lazy so they only need a calorie boost when it's freezing, if they had it year round they'd be so fat I'd possibly have to transport them about in wheelbarrows! The only problem with mixed corn is the more dominant hens always get there first and pick out the best bits, leaving the plain stuff for everyone else. I have a few very smug looking hens strolling about at the moment because they're eating more food and still not laying any eggs!

Off the wagon

2010-12-05T12:36:00.000Z

Apart from being a complete pain in the rear due to everything being white and slippery, I've discovered very cold weather has a terrible effect on vegetarians. I found myself in asda looking longingly at a disgusting jumbo sized sausage roll and thinking to myself I could just eat that. In fact I was practically dribbling over the Cornish pasties imagining myself stuffing one sideways into my mouth, whole!! The fact is vegetarians are just not catered for, meat eaters have a whole cabinet of tasty pastry based snacks, while all that's on offer for veggies is a squashed looking cheese and onion slice, which you just know will be repeating on you for the next three days! I have to stand in the supermarket looking exasperated and wondering what the hell I'm going to eat, apart from cheese based products. As if that's not bad enough I have my mother on the phone twice a week demanding a day by day breakdown of what I've eaten as I'm looking "scrawny" apparently. I've had this craving for meat so badly that I even contemplated licking one of my chickens while I was out in the run the other day, so now they're all eyeing me with suspicion! The cold weather has left me feeling deeply unsatisfied and in need of something disgustingly greasy, so I ended up caving in and eating a huge piece of fish and chips from the chip shop. I'll be feeling guilty about that for days now. Poor fish swimming free, now I've eaten it *sigh* I feel a lot less guilty about the treacle tart though, I had a good life in Mr Kipling's bakery before I had hold of it and scoffed it down like a greedy hog!

Errrr....whoops!

2010-12-04T12:11:00.001Z

I'm temporarily grounded at the moment due to the fact I have no car insurance. The fact is I only really open mail that looks exciting, anything nasty, official and/or boring looking gets chucked to one side, while I rifle straight into the stuff that looks like it's come from eBay! So I've been thoroughly told off as not only had I "missed" the car insurance renewal, I also had an unopened debit card, apparently mine's expired so lucky I didn't go out with no money, my AA membership cards and some dull official census from DEFRA about sheep. It's exactly these kind of scenarios where my stock excuse (cue big puppy dog eyes) "Well I'm an artist, I can't be expected to deal with this stuff" comes in good use. Being "right brained" (another good excuse) I can't be expected to deal with horrible forms and stuff, bills, or anything that requires more than a signature. Basically, and I know I've mentioned this before, I need a PA who can deal with all the normal stuff that needs to be done, like opening boring brown envelopes and reading what's inside. One that can bring me a cup of tea in bed and hold a squiggly sheep while I trim it's feet would be a distinct advantage too! What I need to do is get onto the insurance brokers and suggest next time they send me dull stuff like that, maybe pop in a packet of pastel pencils or something exciting, I'll be far more likely to open it then!

Owwwwwwww!

2010-12-03T13:19:00.000Z

Those bloody mugging sheep! This snow has made them worse than ever when it comes to food. As far as they're concerned they can't *be* bothered to go out and scrape about in the few cm of snow for the grass when I could ferry them hay and biscuits instead. I keep telling them there are ewes in Wales up snowy mountains having a much worse time than my three pampered rascals. They don't know what hardship is lounging about in their deep straw shelter all day waiting for me to come down and massage them, give them a pedicure and a hot cup of tea. I was unceremoniously descended upon in the hay cupboard yesterday, Bobble smacked both knee caps with his horns so I'm now sporting a very large purple bruise on one leg. I'm getting completely fed up of being pushed head first into bales of hay by over excitable hungry sheep. At this rate I'm going to have to pad myself up just so I can get in and out safely, alternatively I guess I could just get a riot shield!

No (and I'm not even thinking about it!)

2010-12-01T11:47:00.000Z

I had a phone message yesterday from the rare breeds farm. Apparently they have baby goats looking for good homes and wondered whether I wanted any. Baby goats!! Goats were what I originally wanted, some how I ended up with behaviourally challenging sheep instead. To think everyone said sheep would be so much easier than goats *sigh* I think they saw me coming with that one. These goats are probably the very naughty ones too, I bet that's why they thought of me! I will admit part of me is very tempted, however the rational side tells me I already have enough problems. Yesterday afternoon I inadvertently forgot the ginger nuts and had to dash back to the house for them. Evidently some fracas occurred while I was gone resulting in the spring gate to the sheeps bit being broken. Unfortunately no one would own up to this act of wanton vandalism, although circumstantial evidence points towards Bobble being involved, but I can't prove it! I dare say if goats were added into the mix heaven only knows what would happen down there, possibly they'd wreck the entire shelter! The sheep don't want goats eating their stuff, sleeping in their bed and taking all their attention. In fact they've started a petition and already have three hoof prints on it! Now was that a sheep I just saw go by the window with a placard saying "No goats here"!

Sigh

2010-11-30T12:10:00.000Z

The heating's been fixed thank heavens. The pump had burnt out and needed replacing, obviously I'm pretty miffed this wasn't checked on the last service but I did feel sorry for the engineer who somehow managed to get an electric shock despite the boiler being turned off. It was a great relief to be able to have a warm house though as there's nothing worse than having one warm room and having to dash to the loo, or rush in and out of the bath. It was so cold on Sunday evening the freezer door actually froze shut so I couldn't get what I'd planned for tea out. At one point I did contemplate sitting in the sheep's shelter to see if they might keep me warm, but then again they'd possibly just mug me for ginger nuts then bog off if I didn't have any.

When I was young I used to love snow, that was until I had to go out in it to do jobs rather than just have fun in it. The dogs still think it's just the most exciting thing ever to happen in their world. For some reason Biba seems to eat it, rabbit poo snow slush is featuring pretty high on the menu at the moment. The chickens refuse to step on it and I'm wondering if they need the chicken version of Ugg boots so they can get to the feeder. Ducks are skating about on the pond to get to the bit that's not frozen, and I don't even want to talk about the ice in their pen which is frankly a health and safety hazard and needs to be cordoned off. I'm afraid me and Star are united in that we hate the snow, it's a nuisance, we don't like the cold and it makes living here more lonely and isolating than usual. The only good thing about it is I can have that extra biscuit guilt free as I've probably burnt it off doing loads of extra work!!

Life in the deep freeze

2010-11-28T12:48:00.000Z

Just to say I haven't died of hypothermia yet, but it is bitterly cold inside and out. I feel like I'm living in an igloo. We had to go to pizza hut yesterday to make use of their heating facilities. The good news is that we've managed to coax the boiler to produce hot water but still can't use the central heating. It's kind of like one of those Scandinavian saunas where you get hot in the shower, then run and put your bum in the snow, or whatever it is they do over there! I'd like to personally thank Worcester Bosch for making my weekend totally miserable and uncomfortable. To be honest I feel a bit depressed with the snow and cold weather. It's not so much the extra work that worries me, it's the never feeling warm. Really it's since I lost a lot of weight, I can never seem to stay warm when it's like this, no matter how many layers I have on. I'm thinking of increasing my biscuit intake to compensate for it. Last winter was hard enough, there were a few times I really felt like I just can't do all this anymore, I went for weeks where the only time I completely defrosted was when I had a bath and it was totally miserable. We've also got the headache of hay supply as it was a bad year this time and everyone is short on it, consumption probably goes up by a third when it's snowy and some places are already charging £5+ per bale. So am just hoping and praying this cold snap doesn't last because I can't feed the sheep on ginger nuts all winter, I need the sugar more than them!!

Crying in the snow.................

2010-11-27T12:02:00.000Z

It snowed overnight, which when you have animals is enough extra work to keep you going. Additionally our boiler has now packed up yet again, two weeks after being serviced for the second year in a row. So I'm effectively stuck in the middle of nowhere with no heat or hot water until an engineer can come out on Monday. It always breaks down on a sodding weekend when it's freezing. Don't bother with a service contract with Worcester Bosch as frankly it's not worth the bloody paper it's written on. I just feel so upset with them as they don't seem to care a bit about it, I'm sure it wouldn't be the same if they were in my situation. They have an engineer who's known to be quite lazy and this is the second year this has happened after he's supposedly serviced our boiler. Last year it took three engineers to sort it out and get the boiler back working again. I'm going to draw his face on one of our windfall apples, stick it on the fence then shoot it with the air rifle in a minute. Petty I know, but at least it will make me feel better.

Lacking direction

2010-11-26T12:42:00.000Z

Lest you all thought I'd abandoned you, I haven't I just lost my writing mojo a bit lately. That's the irritating thing about "real" life, it get's in the way and leaves me too drained to contemplate much else at times. Life sucks sometimes it really does. I'm kind of having an art rethink, you know they happen periodically involving me having one of my splendid ideas then struggling to bring it to fruition! I have several major problems, one being I have no money, this possibly being related to the fact I get bored easily and find it hard to channel myself into only one thing. Add to this a massive dose of chronic insecurity and neurotic borderline perfectionism and quite frankly you have a disaster on your hands. Now I know why most artists turned to drunken debauchery and went mad. I lack stoical solidity in my life at the moment, well apart from Star who is kind of like my life raft in an increasingly turbulent sea.

It's ridiculous I still feel like I'm constantly searching for my niche, that little Emma shaped gap in the world that can only be filled by me. I really envy these people who are certain about what they want to do in life from an early age, they seem to have it all mapped out and relentlessly pursue what they want. I kind of feel like a drifter wafting along catching hold of whatever interests me at the time. Normally I would say I'm self motivated and driven but lately even that's begun to waver a lot and I feel defeated some days. My natural optimism has taken a bashing as well, some days everything seems like climbing a mountain. I'm thinking maybe I need a change, a new direction in my art and maybe some changes in my life too. I'd like to say I'm giving up being nice and becoming all ruthless but we know how rubbish I was last time I tried that, so maybe I'll stick to nice with a side order of something imaginative instead!

No snow please, we're British!

2010-11-23T12:26:00.000Z

I can't believe snow is forecast for later this week, as a country we're just unable to cope with any snow at all, no matter how lightly it might fall. In fact the merest hint of snow on the ground requires the BBC to scramble a helicopter and drop an unsuspecting Huw Edwards into some random field somewhere with some bemused looking sheep, so we can have a one hour news "special" about how the whole country has ground to a halt. This then causes people to start panic buying in the supermarkets like some kind of weird winter supermarket sweep, where everyone's trolley is filled to the brim with tissues, soup and other randomly insane purchases like ice cubes. Heaven forbid one should not have ice and a slice with one's teatime G&T. Actually I think that's pretty much the British response to any kind of crisis; well we might as well all get drunk then! Then we have the road gritters running out of grit on only day two of the "crisis". I mean what do these people do the whole rest of the year? They have practically 360 days of reasonable weather to prepare for this and yet we always seem to be caught out. We have harassed looking council officials having to publicly admit they spent the gritting budget on chocolate HobNobs because the Met Office assured them we would be having a BBQ winter! It's insane madness and I shall be hibernating with my sheep until it's all over!!

My inner confidence demon

2010-11-22T14:04:00.000Z

It's back. I know I thought I'd killed the bloody thing too. Facebook followers will remember I drew it back in my august sketching challenge; it looked like a weird hybrid of a cross pineapple, maybe with just a hint of my mother in there too! I thought I screwed it up, trampled on it, then speared it with a lino tool! But it's like that film, you know the one with Robert De Nero in it, where each time you think he's dead he pops back up again! I'm beginning to feel maybe I should just dowse the thing with petrol and set light to it now, but I'm worried I'll have the Trade Union of Inner Confidence Demons after me for persecution or unfair dismissal.

The biggest problem with these things is they're persistent and pernicious, managing to wheedle themselves into virtually every area of your life. They're stealthy and clever, often they wait it out until you're just a tiny bit vulnerable before wading in with their giant boots and stamping on any fledgling ideas you might have. They're good at crushing dreams too, in fact that's a speciality service they provide free of charge. Most often if I'm painting I can ward it off by thumping it with a metal ruler, however it does appear to have infiltrated my lap top and affected my writing recently. The keyboard isn't malfunctioning due to biscuit crumb build up, no, I'm sure it's confidence demon related. So I'd like to send it this little message; bugger off, leave me alone because if you don't I will skewer you, roast you like a kebab and then feed you to Mr P, so there!!

Cream crackered!

2010-11-20T12:10:00.000Z

Don't panic I am still alive just had a hectic few days plus a cold, so feeling very tired. I hate colds as there's nothing worse than having a constantly runny nose while you're trying to muck out and do all the other jobs. Sheep have this bizarre thing of thinking tissues are like some kind of gourmet sheep treats, and will try and pull them out of my hand and eat them! Evidently I'm not feeding them enough. The past two days have been cold, dank and foggy, my least favourite conditions, and then animals hate it too. Everything gets wet, stays wet and my feet get vacuumed into a quagmire of sticky mud on every step. To think I used to like winter before we moved here and I had to be outside all the time!! Yesterday everyone thought they'd been abandoned as we went to London for the day so they all had to stay in, and we didn't get back until 11pm. So I think the ducks thought they might as well splash all of their water over the floor of the run as some kind of retribution for being left alone in the dark! Anyway the colds going so hopefully back to normal (whatever that is) next week.

The great escape...

2010-11-17T12:12:00.000Z

OK now I am getting suspicious. Firstly I have hens staying out the entire night up trees, which is highly unusual, and now this mysterious hole has appeared by the chicken run. I noticed it yesterday by the path. I say hole, I mean more like cavern as if you look down it there is quite a deep tunnel leading from it appearing to go right under the compost heap and out to the track. Now several of my dessert spoons have also gone missing recently in suspicious circumstances, and these strange little piles of dirt keep appearing in various parts of the garden. At first I thought it could be moles but the dirt piles are then quickly scraped away by various guilty looking hens. I can always tell when hens are up to no good as they start whistling and looking about trying to appear innocent whenever I appear. In fact they are acting quite suspiciously all huddled under the tree in a very conspiratorial way during the day looking at some sort of plan, in fact I think those hens could be up to no good, maybe I need to be keeping a close eye on them..........

Another night on the tiles

2010-11-16T12:22:00.000Z

Peckham spending the night out on Saturday appears to have set some sort of trend. One of the Barbu D'Uccle hens got loose yesterday afternoon and just vanished into thin air. The problem being they're so small, quick and flighty, and virtually impossible to detect in any undergrowth. Several thorough sweeps of the garden revealed nothing, she seemed to have vanished into thin air, so I just hoped she'd got up into a tree for the night. Even first thing there was no sign, the garden was searched again several times, so I thought maybe something had her during the night. Then about 11am and she was strolling around the garden with the big hens as if she owns the place. Heaven only knows where she sprung from but she has now been captured in the pond net and is back regaling the other two with tales of her adventure! I'm hoping this is the end of hens spending the night out up trees for a bit as I'm not sure my nerves will withstand anymore!

One lucky hen.........

2010-11-14T12:51:00.000Z

Somehow Peckham managed to spend a night on the tiles in the garden and was strolling about without a care in the world this morning. It's one of those moments where I'm still half asleep and have to do a double take to make sure I have actually seen what I thought I did as she appeared from under a bush to surprise me. I can only presume the flighty madam must have gone up in one of the apple trees thus evading detection last night. Good job she's one of the more flighty ones and was able to roost high enough to avoid a fox. The problem with hens in the garden is they're really bad when it comes to trying to count them, no matter how hard you try sometimes the odd one will avoid coming in a dusk and try to hide in the bushes. You can get electronic devices to open and shut the pop holes in the coops, but this is why I've never tried them as I worry about a hen getting left outside by accident. Maybe I need to fit them all with satellite tracking to avoid this occurring in the future!!

Thankfully our hay delivery arrived on Friday afternoon, typical he turns up about dusk though so it's a mad rush to try and get 100 bales unloaded before it gets dark. You also have to be careful as he wields this huge pitchfork about all over the place and chucks the bales off of the trailer in a very carefree manner, so you have to duck and dodge to avoid being hit by one. Still at least the trailer is fully loaded now so should any more high winds occur it won't be creeping closer to the ditch. I guess I'd better text the farmer now so he can come and shift it back in about a years time!

Aftermath......

2010-11-12T13:04:00.000Z

The wind was so bad yesterday we nearly lost our newly moved hay trailer into the ditch. It's virtually empty as we're still awaiting the arrival of the hay delivery so even a tonne of weight wasn't enough to withstand the wind. It's shifted a good few inches across, come off of the bricks that were holding one end up and is nearly snug against what's left of the fence. I don't trust those fence posts as they're quite charred from being accidentally set alight by a bonfire. That was the day I came driving down the lane from a painting workshop to see the fence ablaze! Poor RJ is going to need post traumatic stress counselling again as it's right by his run and made a hell of a thud when it came off the bricks. I've had to calm him down with a cherry scone and a cup of tea. Anyway we had fun trying to jack the end up with a car jack and stuffing paving slabs underneath to stabilise and shore it up. Thankfully it hasn't moved during the night and allegedly the hay is coming this afternoon, although I'm sure I've heard that before and he hasn't turned up. Farmers are a law unto themselves!

Storm!

2010-11-11T13:09:00.000Z

It is horrible today, gale force winds and driving rain, just what we didn't need. I've had to keep all the birds in, to be honest they don't want to be out in this and health and safety decrees I need to protect hens from the added hazard of falling Bramley apples! I don't want to get sued by a concussed Orpington hen. There is an alarming amount of standing water on the paddock, the sheep are equipped with snorkels and a life raft should they need it, but I don't think they'll be venturing out of the field shelter somehow. Poor Star looks miserable but being her will absolutely not use the field shelter under any circumstances, as it interrupts her eating schedule. I'll tell you how bad the weather is on the dog-ometer. Normally the three of them cannot wait to rush outside and run around, eat rabbit poo and play, getting them back in is usually the difficult bit. Today however all three raced out, did what they needed to then were queued at the front door wanting to come back in again within a minute. Sadly for me at some point I'm going to have to venture out and do all the normal jobs which is going to mean putting on my horrible Cossack style waterproof trousers that frighten the ducks. Probably I won't be able to see much either as the hood on my coat makes for very restricted vision. So if I'm not on here tomorrow I'll have blown in a ditch somewhere and will be awaiting rescue!

Hay hay!!

2010-11-10T14:08:00.000Z

Now the trailer's been moved we have the long long wait for a hay delivery. Each time we ring up the farmer is either up a tree, up a ladder, or on a roof somewhere. I'm beginning to feel he's the extreme sports variety of farmer, he never seems to be on the ground!! He also never has a piece of paper with him when in these lofty positions, so without fail we don't get what we've actually ordered, it's like a surprise what will arrive. Will it be hay, all straw, a mixture, who knows, I guess it depends what he's flung on the truck. He's also very good at undercharging, hay price seems to fluctuate wildly depending on how he feels on that particular day. I think I'm too honest really as several times we've been massively undercharged so I put the money away to give him next time. Still I shouldn't complain as it's only gone up 10p a bale this year whereas I know some people are paying much more this year as the harvest was bad. The one thing about having the trailer moved is that I *hope* we won't get a repeat of last year when he turned the tractor around then proceeded to drive off down the track with half of RJ's run attached to it. RJ's been in post traumatic stress counselling ever since! He always says he will ring before bringing it, but that usually means he'll ring as he's on the way up the track with it. We once had a call in the evening to say he was sat in the field in the dark with a trailer load of hay for us. That was fun unloading with only torchlight and the tractor lights getting the bales over a fence! It's all fun in the countryside!!

Not again....

2010-11-09T12:23:00.000Z

I'm not talking to the sheep. One of them, and I think we can all probably guess which one, has mercilessly ripped Cardie's ear tag out. It was lying in the straw by field shelter. Frankly I blame some kind of sugar high from all that sugar beet they've been eating. Cardie has sprouted the most immense side burns over the past few weeks. They are so bushy he keeps getting bits of biscuit stuck in them. I'm guessing a similar incident occurred to the other night where Bobble was chasing him around the corral trying to extricate a bit of digestive from them. Luckily it hasn't ripped Cardie's ear, but I'll have to re-tag in another place as the old one won't go back in. I'm very cross with them because they have no idea how many forms I have to fill in when something like this happens. It has to go in my flock record and I have to consult subsection 4, part 2, paragraph 7 of the Sheep Owners Guide to making your life Complicated to make sure I fill the right thing in the right bloody box!! Not only that but the ordering of one sheep ear tag requires the provision of more security information than MI5 require to become a super spy. Obviously I must be a big time sheep rustler as I've ordered ooooh all of three tags in the last year! So now I have a technically illegal sheep running around and if anyone asks I'll have to say he's a particularly woolly breed of dog!!

It's all scone!

2010-11-08T13:34:00.000Z

Yes I'll admit my chickens are spoilt! From time to time they have a treat in the form of some fruit scones, this weekend they had some leftover cherry scones which disappeared in about five seconds flat! I have to be a bit careful as unfortunately the excitement of these illicit treats has caused the odd bird to keel over of a heart attack. At least I think it was caused by excitement rather than high cholesterol levels! RJ has been known to get a bit wobbly from the excitement so I have to feed him first to make sure he doesn't collapse with anticipation. The mere appearance of a bowl with crumbled up scone means I'm deluged with chickens who appear from everywhere in the garden keen to make sure they don't miss out. The hens make me laugh as the cleverer ones put out their wings to make sure they can elbow anyone else out of the way and have the maximum amount of room for themselves. Competition for the fruity bits is pretty fierce and a kind of feathery free for all, not unlike a rugby scrum, occurs on the lawn. Ducks don't generally lower themselves to eating leftovers, preferring the more expensive pond plants instead. I have however threatened to cut off the chicken's supply of treats as we've not had an egg laid in nearly two weeks now. They may be getting fat, so I'll have to take drastic steps like installing a treadmill in the hen house should the situation not improve!

My life with mud!

2010-11-06T12:45:00.000Z

*Sigh* winter's definitely on it's way, any slight bit of rain results in a quagmire appearing that envelopes practically the whole property. I have to face the fact I'm probably going to spend at least the next four months permanently wearing wellies while outside. I don't know why on earth it was I decided I wanted to have a horse with such big hooves. Out of a one and a half acre field Star chooses to spend most of the day stood right in the muddiest bit! I'm afraid horses and mud go hand in hand, or hand in hoof, they do practically nothing all summer while the ground is good, the minute it rains they canter about all over the place and churn it up. This especially appears to be the case at gateways and other heavy traffic areas where I might need to walk. On our heavy clay it's possible to have mud with such adhesive properties it can virtually pull my wellies off and /or trap me for hours clung on to the wheelbarrow!

Thankfully sheep are less mud monsters, in fact I think my three have such delicate constitutions that the second the weather starts to deteriorate they take to their shelter and expect me to wait on them hand and foot. Considering they should have been bred to withstand the ravages of the Scottish coastline in winter they actually hate the wet. I'm wondering if you can buy sheep raincoats and wellies so I can at least coax them out once a day. Chickens also don't like the cold, wet and mud, so will spend the entire winter looking miserable under bushes. Ducks on the other hand revel in it and create more mud by messing about in puddles the entire day. Typical that you provide them with a clean pond and they prefer to dabble about in a muddy puddle.

Unfortunately for me even when I come indoors there is still no respite from the mud. Having three dogs who race about in dirty fields just for the fun of it appears to deposit dirt just about everywhere in the house. No matter how well you think you've dried a dog's feet they go and have a drink, splash water everywhere, stand in it, then proceed to leave a trail of dirty footprints all through the house. Not only that as their coats dry off and they have a shake, every single surface becomes caked in an inch thick layer of brown dust that looks suspiciously mud coloured. Another strange characteristic of dogs is that they appear to be completely unable to stand and walk unaided, thus needing to lean against every magnolia coloured wall and leave a tide mark along it. What with that and Laika's dribble all down the front windowsill where she sits by the window, my house looks like a muddy time bomb's hit it. I don't think we're going to be featured in a forthcoming edition of Homes & Gardens somehow!!

Big flapping cockerels.......................

2010-11-04T12:42:00.000Z

Sadly I only have two cockerels at the moment; RJ and the notorious Mr P. I will admit I do like cockerels, I enjoy the cock-a-doodling, the wonderful plumage and the fact the hens look at them with utter disdain as they do nothing apart from prat about all day! The one thing that can be difficult to deal with though is the sometimes aggressive nature of certain birds. Now I'd be lying if I said this was only confined to the males because it isn't. I have several very strident feisty hens that will go for my leg from time to time, but nothing like the ferocity of a cock. In my experience the smaller the bird the more attitude it appears to have, presumably to compensate for lack of size. I used to have a Belgian Barbu D'Uccle called the Wee Fella. He was the size of a blackbird and would take on anyone regardless of the fact they could easily squash him. In fact he terrified most people that visited. Thankfully for me RJ is a gentle, and very daft giant, quite easy to handle. Mr P on the other hand doesn't seem to have listened to the old adage "never bite the hand that feeds you". Every single day this week he has been halfway up my bloody arm when I've taken the wheat in. I can see him size me up the minute I get in the gate just waiting to make his move. So we have this cat and mouse thing where he's waiting to pounce and I'm trying to get my hand in quickly enough to avoid being pecked. He's always far quicker than me and I've yet to outsmart him! All I can say is he's lucky I'm a peace loving vegetarian as he'd probably have been Coq au Vin by now otherwise!!

Hook-a-duck

2010-11-03T13:28:00.000Z

I'm afraid Webster is fully back to his role of resident sex pest now he's completed moulting and is making the life of all the ladies a nightmare. I always hope as he's aging he might start to calm down a bit but if anything I think he's actually getting worse. He's been such a nuisance some days chasing everyone out of the pond he has to be captured in a pond net and put away in the house for a bit. I have to say he's not keen about being swiped into the net, and I never win a prize for doing it either!! Once he's incarcerated everyone can have a peaceful swim without any dramas. To be honest I think Dibley makes matters worse because he's now well "under the thumb" of Rolo. Rolo seems to swim about constantly nagging at Dibley to peck Webster, this aggravates Webster so he has to pick on someone else. And so it goes on, and on. I think Dibley is just a puppet really. First Dillys controlled him, now Rolo. He can't really argue with Rolo either as she'd squash him with her huge weight. Since she's become top duck she's really piled it on and is now looking like a sumo wrestler. Other ducks soon move out of her way before she tramples them. I notice it never tells you in the duck husbandry book about all this fracas and dramas played out on a daily basis within a flock of ducks. Frankly the pictures are downright misleading with pictures of happy ducks swimming about on ponds. Obviously they were taken in the brief respite between fights and mating to make duck ownership look like a stress relieving hobby!

Tricks and treats

2010-11-01T12:02:00.000Z

One of the good things about living in the middle of a muddy field is we don't get trick or treaters. The track is dark and scary, and even if they did make it to the top scary Laika is generally plastered to the door doing her impersonation of The Hound of the Baskervilles. Two suspicious looking blokes pitched up in a van last week but soon scarpered when they saw Laika frothing at the mouth. I didn't mention this was because she wanted her tea!! As far as I know the sheep didn't go out trick or treating as I haven't (yet) had any complaints from farmers about three sheep dressed as devils harassing their ewes! I don't know what goes on the in the village on Halloween, although I suspect it's just a legitimate excuse for farmers dressed in sheets to be knocking on people's doors demanding sweets!

The clocks have changed so that means really long dark evenings now. I feel I have to rush during the day to get all the outside jobs done before it gets dark. A couple of times I've been running a bit late and have had to negotiate Bobble at twilight. It's like taking your life in your hands and I'm now sporting several bruises on my legs. I'm thinking of attaching one of the glow in the dark sticks like they have at raves to him, or maybe a bell! Or alternatively I could just put one of those cushioned pipe sleeves on his horns, I'll have to see!

Oh no.......that's all I need!

2010-10-31T11:45:00.000Z

I said yesterday the beet harvesters had been and I'd got all the debris out of the paddock, well I meant I'd cleared Star's paddock. My concern was that she might eat it and get colic, or it have too much sugar triggering laminitis. I'm over protective woman who loves her horse, therefore Star only has to sniff a cabbage leaf and I worry about colic. It's that bloody BHS veterinary encyclopedia, I wish I'd never bought it now as I know every potential illness a horse could possibly get and a lot more besides!! Anyway it never even crossed my mind that the sheep would bother to eat it, wrong, they positively love the stuff! I was wondering what they were all doing huddled up to the fence looking suspicious, until I realised they were stuffing their faces with beet shards. That is just typical, Bobble's probably consumed the equivalent of a bag of granulated sugar and several litres of cola now, Cardie can't stop burping and Mitten has an unusual glazed look about him. I have three sheep on a mega sugar rush running about the paddock butting each other and jumping about like stags. Bobble's hyper energy levels have meant he's completely mangled the salt lick holder again with his horns and is now trying to knock through the back of their shelter! We're not even at teatime yet so heaven knows how I'm going to get in and out of there unscathed with those three. Wish me luck!!!

Run for cover!!

2010-10-30T18:34:00.001+01:00

The sugar beet harvesters have been up here the past two days. These are huge machines that lift all the sugar beet, cut off the tops then deposit it in a trailer. When the trailer's empty it makes a very loud thundering noise which is particularly annoying first thing in the morning when they've started earlier than me! I am so not a morning person! Usually we also have the "entertainment" of a few breakdowns, which seem to involve several men hitting the machine with a hammer and swearing loudly before kicking it. This appears to be common practise in all agricultural situations where a malfunction occurs, when the hammer doesn't work resort to a giant wrench! This year there has been two acres of beet right next to our paddock. So when the harvester arrived it then proceeded to shoot bits of sugar beet through the fence at the sheep and Star. The sheep appear to be totally unperturbed by the agricultural equivalent of machine gun and grenades, donned their flak jackets and helmets, and continued grazing as normal. I think as far as Bobble's concerned he can take on practically everything, he has no fear. At least Star was more sensible and stayed across the other side of the field. Anyway it's done now, no one got injured, and all the shrapnel has been removed from the paddock. The sheep have insisted on wearing their combat gear to bed though just in case!!

Tag

2010-10-29T12:26:00.002+01:00

I've got 8 questions to answer from achieve1dream's blog, so here goes....

1. What is your biggest pet peeve? Really arrogant people who think the world revolves around them

2. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? I have a duvet so if I ever get into a bed with sheets I have to untuck them, I think I must whirl about a lot when I sleep!!
3. Do you think it's okay for guys to wear pink? Yeah why not, I hate stereotypes and pigeonholing people, they should wear what makes them happy
4. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Probably the sheep's pen as I'd trust Bobble to guard it well for me!
5. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes I subscribe to The Artist magazine, and have done for a few years. Although it does drive me mad when they focus on watercolours and I keep meaning to cancel it, then they do a few really good issues.
6. What's your song of the week? Damien Rice, Cannonball, from the album O
7. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Hard one, I quite often send people little cards, I think the last proper letter I wrote was one of complaint about something.
8. What country would you like to visit? I'd love to go to clicker expo in the US

Afraid I don't know 8 other bloggers to tag, but maybe my mum (aka grumpy grandma) could do the questions

Gahhhhhhhh!

2010-10-26T19:09:00.000+01:00

Flaming laptops, I always thought technology was supposed to make life easier?? Stupid thing downloaded some update for my anti virus this morning then ceased giving me any internet access at all. So I've spent a whole morning swearing trying to sort the thing out. Escalating stress levels led to the consumption of two giant choc chip cookies and copious amounts of coffee, so now I have guilt to add to my woes and I'm practically bouncing off the walls with a caffeine/blood sugar rush. Obviously it is working again now as typing anything on the other computer is far too annoying, it still works on cogs, so is slower than a lethargic hamster in a wheel. I'm still not sure what exactly I've done, disabled something or other so just hoping it's not a crucial something! I am just no good with technology, my frustration tolerance for it is minuscule I'm afraid. I'm the sort of person that presses buttons and if it doesn't work I press them harder and swear! So that's been almost an entire day wasted, frankly I blame "computer guy" as he's only open Thursday-Saturday, selfishly forgetting that they go wrong on other days of the week too! I need to lie down now and/or have a large glass of wine!!

Catwoman

2010-10-25T12:32:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I was mostly being catwoman for no other reason in that I felt like it! Ok I'm a retro anorack and can still remember when the original batman series was on tv. I always wanted to be catwoman, she looked fun.....................................................

I was however disappointed to find I didn't have special powers and I'm still not overly keen on milk, miaow!

The trailer has landed!!

2010-10-24T12:54:00.000+01:00

At long last the trailer has been moved, woooohooo is all I can say. Unfortunately Mr Nosey farmer was busy doing extra curricular activities with his long tines around the village, so a pair had to be obtained from another source. I didn't ask exactly whom this other source was as the mere thought of two pairs of long tines in such a small village doesn't bear thinking about. That's surely headline news for the village magazine! The farm fork lift is currently out of action with hydraulic problems so farmer arrived in his JCB digger. He loves that digger, in fact he's a one man landfill with it. Often when I ask what he's been up to I get "digging holes" as an answer, quite what holes and where I'm never quite sure, although I always look for the appearance of mystery holes when I'm out with the dogs just in case I should fall in one. I do know once he was asked to bury a load of fitness equipment, for what purpose I'm not entirely sure. Anyway after a lot of oooh-ing and ahhh-ing, sucking of air through teeth etc the trailer was moved to it's new position in all of five minutes and we could all breathe a sigh of relief now it's done. At least we can now get in our winter's hay rather than having to buy six bales at a time. Such is the speed of life around here I've only had to wait twelve months for this job to be done, which is quite quick really!!

Have you heard??

2010-10-22T12:41:00.000+01:00

I don't know whether you've heard the latest hot news story?? No, it's nothing to do with an immediate end to recession or world peace, apparently J-Lo has cellulite! Well bring it on into the real world, so have virtually 98% of other women who haven't had their skin stretched or fat vacuumed courtesy of a plastic surgeon! Actually good for her not being too bothered by it, we desperately need real women to be out there being real basically. I'm certainly sick of being bombarded on a daily basis with impossibly airbrushed visions of loveliness, rather than any value being put on a woman's wit and intelligence also. Obviously in this equal opportunities world we do need to provide employment for vacuous blonde lovelies who's only function in life is to attend various free functions and smile in front of the camera, but where are the smart, sassy intelligent women, why don't we admire them too? I can say all this because I am blonde, hopefully don't look too bad and like to think I have a reasonable grasp of a wide range of subjects. And no it's not sour grapes either, more exasperation at the superficiality of society today. One of the things I love about Burlesque is at it's best form it is a celebration of being a woman, whatever your shape or size. There are all sorts of very classy Burlesque artists who can really strut their stuff a whole lot better than your average pole dancer, yay for being a sexy real woman I say!

The curious case of the theft that really wasn't.

2010-10-21T11:54:00.001+01:00

When I tell people I live in the middle of fields more often than not they think I'm kidding them. It is however true, the house is at the end of a narrow gravel track and is surrounded by fields. I am the scourge of delivery drivers everywhere as it's apparently impossibly for them to see the house sign clumsily stuck in the bank at the bottom. I'm seriously considering getting a neon flashing one so they can't miss it. Obviously blissful isolation has it's drawbacks, apart from errant parcels speeding up and down the lane, the bin also has to go down the track each week. Every two weeks a recycling bin larger than me has to go down too. Putting out the bin thus becomes an event which has to be planned with military precision, mainly so I don't actually forget! Unfortunately Norfolk County Council don't do all terrain wheelie bins for people in far flung places, it's just a bog standard one that clatters all the way down the bumpy track. I shouldn't moan really as after getting all annoyed on the phone several times the council has made the track much better than it was. At one point I could stand calf deep in some of the pot holes, lost several car exhausts and was responsible for delivery drivers going in the ditch when they did eventually find us!

Yesterday was bin day, and recycling, so the bins were duly dragged down there, providing some entertainment for Star and the sheep as to whether I could keep everything in there with it bouncing about. I think they run a sweepstake on this. After lunch I went trundling down to pick then up and found only the recycling bin was there. I have to say I was furious at the thought of my wheelie bin, the bin that had been with me up and down that track in all weather conditions, being stolen by some terrible bin thief. More to the point both Star and the sheep can see down there too so why on earth didn't they put a stop to this crime, or at least alert me to the presence of anyone lurking suspiciously. As I came back up the track I asked them this only to be greeted with blank stares and Cardie casually chewing his cud like nothing was wrong. By the time I'd got back up the track I was so annoyed I was going to phone the council straight away and demand all bins be DNA tested to find mine. I'm certainly not paying for a replacement. Only I go out the back, lo and behold some strange bin elf must have bought it up for me. Why they can't help with the putting out as well I'll never know. I'm going to graffiti a sheep on the side now just in case it should happen to go astray, no one will be in any doubt it's mine!!

Lost

2010-10-20T11:27:00.000+01:00

I've had a bit of a stressful time, last night Elza ran off in the dark after an unidentifiable *something* and was gone for ages. I'm afraid her selective deafness prevails in these cases and it's nigh on impossible to get her attention. My biggest concern is that she will run onto the road, or maybe even get accidentally shot by someone out lamping. There are just acres to search and at this time of year in the dark it's not particularly advisable to be trampling over fields. Thankfully she did come back eventually but not after causing considerable worry. I guess this is the real downside of not being fenced in.

Plus I just got myself a bit upset over something else that I don't really want to go into on here. I just find it a bizarre paradox that we live on an over populated planet and yet some people can feel lonelier and more isolated than ever. Life just seems so unfair sometimes. I was always bought up to be kind, considerate and caring which is what I endeavour to be in all situations. No matter how hard I try though, short of cloning myself, I can't help everyone I would wish to. It just seems to me that a lot of people are getting incredibly selfish and are pretty much out for themselves. It takes very little to do a small act of kindness for a fellow human being. Often I wish I could have my own island, the independent republic of Emma, where everything is nice because sometimes I feel lost in a world I don't really understand.

And breathe...............

2010-10-19T12:19:00.000+01:00

I was having one of those off days yesterday, you know the ones where you wish you could tell the entire world to just bog off and leave you alone! I'm one of these people when I'm working and having ideas I can get incredibly irritated by any interuptions. Sometimes these interrruptions are constant and many throughout the entire day. The ducks are a particular case in point as the number of times they've been making a fuss as if a golden eagle is just about to swoop down and eat one is unbelievable. Generally I rush around the back to find a dried leaf has blown onto Webster and upset him! I have reminded him about the story of the duck that cried wolf, but it doesn't appear to have made much difference.

Usually I'd say I'm pretty placid, but from time to time I can undergo an incredible transformation to annoyed artist looking over the top of her scary specs and getting all cross! Never ever underestimate the strength of a creative huff, sometimes they can last quite a while too, and I have been known to throw the odd putty rubber!! I just like to get on with it without having to worry about whether the freezer requires defrosting or not, or some other mundane worry like what to eat for lunch. Real artists can exist solely on biscuits for considerable periods of time. Really I think I just need some sort of manager/PA who can deal with all the stuff I can't be bothered to, make cups of tea and take care of annoying unsolicited calls from BT wondering if I've heard of their latest special offers!! They will need to deal with my post as well. I only open anything if it looks like it might be exciting, or possibly have come from eBay, nasty official looking envelopes tend to get ignored! If this person was also able to dispense reassuring hugs when I'm in the depths of despair wondering if I've got the right tonal range in a picture, even better, you've got the job!!

Cabaret

2010-10-18T11:34:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I decided I mostly going to be Liza Minelli in cabaret (cover your ears because I truly cannot sing).....

I'm afraid this is the only one I can show you as the rear view of those knickers is a bit saucy, however obviously the deposit of a large amount into my paypal account and you can see the ones with the tassels as well! Really I'd like some proper photo's done as the lighting and flash is just not very flattering but I can't afford it at the moment. I think the burlesque has helped my confidence and self empowerment a little bit, although whether I would ever feel truly brave enough to do it at a club, I really don't know. I think it would do me good, but it's a bit of a scary prospect at the moment. Dita Von Teese is in London in November, I just love her she's such an inspiration. She's exactly the same age as me, although obviously she does have an army of stylists to help her out and I wish I her her figure. Obviously I can with the aid of a corset though, sadly it's the only way I'll ever have a 24" waist!!

Divalicious

2010-10-17T09:02:00.002+01:00

I don't know what's come over me but I've gone all Immelda Marcos!! I now have three rather fab pairs of killer heels, and remember this is a woman who mainly wears wellies day to day. I've never really owned high heels before either. Well actually I did have this utterly hideous pair of platform sandals while I was at Uni, which were totally impractical as I always seemed to get back to the halls of residence after the gate was locked at night and had to be bunked up over the back wall. Ah yes, happy days, I was usually worse for wear after a few glasses of cheap wine, so no harm was ever done. Anyway, I now have yet another Burlesque outfit. Notice how I'm well ahead of the trend here, when the film Burlesque comes out everyone will be in corsets, just remember you saw it here first!! I got a new corset last week, half price, plus with flexible boning I have half a chance of breathing in this one so it's a double bargain! Now I have some really nice red satin shoes to go with it, and an incredibly cute little red hat. I'm sure my mother will be thrilled at the prospect of me marching about in stockings all over the place, but apparently she did that and worse when she was my age, so I think I'll probably be ok! Actually I wonder if I'm having some sort of mid life glamour crisis. I've spent the last seven years trudging about in mud covered jeans and wellies, now I'm out willy nilly purchasing garments that are completely unsuitable for wrangling sheep in. Things like false eyelashes aren't really practical outdoors here with the winds we get either, plus the sheep try and eat them. It's completely useless trying to explain to Bobble how much these things cost. Perhaps I need to go and lay down with a cold compress and a G&T, better make it a double, I walk better in heels then!

Big sigh..........

2010-10-16T11:08:00.000+01:00

Winter's coming. I know it is inevitable, but frankly last winter nearly killed me off with all that cold so I've been trying very hard not to think much about it. I think I must have spent three months where the only time I actually fully defrosted was when I had a bath. It comes to something when you have to stick your hands under a sheep's fleece just to get some feeling back in your fingers!! Apart from the fact the chickens are dusting off their woolly hats the other thing that tells me we're nearly into winter is the complete profusion of Christmas stuff in the shops. Christmas now appears to start around the end of September, so when it does finally arrive every one's sick of it. Why do we need mince pies that have a sell by date of November?? It's one of life's great conundrums who the hell eats them all. I shall be sure to nosey into people's shopping trolleys to see who the mystery pie eaters are.

Of course the nights are getting darker as well now, so all the featheries, woolies and hairy have to get an early tea, which is kind of hard to organise my working day around. I just seem to start something then I have to stop and sort the feeds out. Possibly this situation could be remedied by my having an earlier lunch but I'm afraid I'm like the sheep; I have my allotted break schedule and I like to stick to it come what may! Darker nights will also mean I'll be resuming my knitting again soon too. I've been trying to put it off but I have the wool for two tanktops, so I must knit the things now. I know what you're thinking but the sheep have assured me lurid tanktops are soon to be the height of fashion. I just hope it doesn't take me so long to knit them I miss it!!

The odd ones out

2010-10-15T12:43:00.000+01:00

I've been taking the dogs for a run around the field each morning to try and get a bit of the excess energy out of Elza. She's now demolished two dog beds, and killed a soft toy all over the living room carpet. Actually she's like this eternal puppy only on the verges of control, once she gets an idea in her head that's it, she's off. I had this problem when I used to have spaniels, a convenient deafness appears to simultaneously occur. She's got a particular obsession with all things rabbity and just dashes off after imaginary bunnies each time she's out of the front door. Opening the front door is in fact like opening the gates to a dam, three dogs rush out leaving a wake of destruction behind them, usually including me struggling to stay upright. We must look a sight as we set off down the track, there's three dogs barking and running about, three sheep running about and bucking like stags, and Star running about bucking and farting! I come sort of trailing behind in their wake. The sheep are just so nosey, they think they own that bit of track now. Every time anyone goes up or down it they have to run to the fence to see who it is. Probably they'll be opening some sort of toll booth next. Star doesn't like to feel left out and she's being particularly energetic at the moment. It's quite a sight to behold her trotting along the fence line with the dogs. So we've all had our morning exercise and I can feel a little less guilty about the choc chip cookie I'm eating!!

What do they do all day??

2010-10-14T13:25:00.000+01:00

Sorry but I find it completely astonishing, and somewhat annoying, that I have about thirty chickens who between them can seemingly only muster about one egg a day. Obviously I have to exclude RJ and Mr P from these calculations, and I'm not really sure what function Mr P serves, apart from being an annoyance. As I look out into the garden now I can see various hens about, some in loungers, others in an easy chair, laughing at me. I don't know whether they have some sort of rota system for the daily laying of "the egg" so they can work in shifts, or whether it's some poor hen who's drawn the short straw and has to lay each day. Some of the hens, like Buffy for example, have been good layers and are now in well deserved retirement. Others, like Peckham, never really appeared to get started ,and have spent many years stuffing themselves full of pricey layers pellets with no discernible output in return. I'm thinking of swapping to poultry fattners pellets to see if that will shake them up a bit, but then they're all only too well aware that I only eat "imitation" chicken with the texture of over cooked cardboard. *sigh* that plan won't work then. I think they're just getting fat and lazy, I'll have to enrol them in some kind of military style fitness programme to shape them up a bit, see if that works. Right girls I'll have twenty press up please ..........................

Yawn!

2010-10-12T12:26:00.001+01:00

I am just oversleeping constantly in the mornings at the moment. I think it's the stress of the past six months finally catching up with me. I am practically having to drag myself out of bed, and I think its a sad fact when you realise you truly look worse than Amy Winehouse first thing too. I shall be drafting a cross letter of complaint to Boots wondering where the radiant complexion promised on the tub of highly expensive cream is. I need it and I want it now!!! Actually if I'm fair my hair did more resemble Tina Turner this morning, and not on a good day either! Naturally if I am late up I then have to face the wrath of all creatures woolly, hairy, feathery and furry. Animals appear to have this amazing built in body clock, which is never ever wrong, that causes them to huff with disgusted impatience when I do finally appear. I'm greeted with looks ranging from disinterest to utter disdain and everything in between. You wouldn't believe chickens were able to wrinkle their beaks, but I can assure you they can!

And so I then have to drag around the rest of the morning feeling like a zombie. All I can say is thank God for that bloody wheelbarrow, at least I have something to grip onto for support! Doubtless you're wondering why I'm a bit more perky now, well that would be an intensive shot of intravenous caffeine and sugar intake in the form of a jammy cream biscuit! Possibly I shouldn't be writing that as my mother will be on about me not eating properly again. I promise mother I did sniff a lettuce leaf yesterday, besides which jam comes from fruit, and coffee beans are almost a fruit so surely that counts towards your five-a-day????!!

Cough..... splutter......

2010-10-11T12:47:00.000+01:00

You would think being in the country it would be all lovely and healthy, bracing fresh air and bunny rabbits scampering through fields of bluebells. Well I can tell you it's all a horrible lie made up by unscrupulous estate agents to sell rural properties! Farmers, yes them again, if they're not spraying toxic and hazardous substances all over their fields, then they are burning "stuff". Now this unidentifiable "stuff" that makes up agricultural bonfires is actually scientifically proven to be 300x more smokey and disgusting than any other flammable substance. Yesterday evening World's Sweariest Farmer evidently decided he had unlimited "stuff" to be burnt, the choking plume of toxic smoke coming right at our property. I'm sorry but that man now needs an environmental hazard sticker on his overalls as well as a parental advisory one! I couldn't actually *see* my sheep and I can tell you that is not a position you want to find yourself in when Bobble's in a frisky mood! I'm actually thinking of getting him one of those bells like goats wear, I might have half a chance of avoiding his horns then! We were all enveloped in this disgusting smog, which was so bad even Star and the chickens donned a mask! These choking fires appear to spring up everywhere on any nice day. I'm sorry but farmers are complete pyromaniacs the lot of them. I blame cheap diesel, and as far as I'm concerned they should be having a large duty increase on it just like the rest of us!

He's at it again!

2010-10-10T13:07:00.001+01:00

The would be Webster of course, the duck with the world's smallest 'webbling' apparatus. The boys have resumed their farting competitions in the pond, hoping to lure in impressionable females with who can produce the noisiest and gassiest underwater expulsion! When will they learn, like men, that females do not find large farts in any way alluring! I'm thinking of trying to feed the pair of them some natural yogurt to see if that helps their digestive troubles. The problem at the moment is that Dibley has asserted himself and taken charge, so he's picking on Webster. It's all highly territorial stuff and frankly if they could wee everywhere to mark their territory I'm sure they would!! The back garden is thick with an air of testosterone. Webster, being the consummate wimp that he is, doesn't retaliate by picking on Dibley, no he has to pick on girls. So poor Bib and Fudge are getting a hard time of it as he runs up behind them, and grabs a beakful of neck feathers and forces them off their feet. It reminds me of that aggravating boy who used to continually tug my pony tail when I was at primary school! Webster just isn't nice, I'm sorry to say it but he's been a menace ever since I got him, and his behaviour doesn't improve as he's aging either. I have told Webster if he keeps up this behaviour he'll be straight back in his bachelor pad, either that or I'll be after him with the garden shears for an impromptu castration!!

Bless

2010-10-08T13:14:00.000+01:00

I had a rather lovely random act of kindness happen to me the other day. B the farmer got out of his tractor and presented me with a catering pack of chocolate biscuits to have with my morning coffee. I have to say I was really touched by his kindness, he was worrying I looked too thin to be able to get through winter! He makes me laugh because he's actually quite shy. Shortly after I moved here I was wandering back from the post box, which is a couple of miles away, when a tractor stopped next to me. B flung the door open and uttered the immortal words; "You can get in..... or you can walk", there's nothing quite like blunt and to the point!!! Obviously I'm never one to refuse a ride in any sort of agricultural vehicle so clambered on up, much to his surprise. Apparently he'd previously tried that line on one of the girls from the stables who'd told him to bugger off!! So now when he's about I often have a ride around and a chat, usually with a biscuit, and we've become firm friends. Actually he's been a very good friend to me when I've really needed one, saving Star from becoming homeless by renting me part of his field. He was also remarkably good natured about the Houdini like antics of certain of my hens escaping and marching about in his field scraping up the wheat. As neighbours go, I think I'm pretty lucky really! All I wish is he'd get on and shift this bloody trailer as I'm having to only get six bales a time. The last lot were full of clover, the sheep love them and are going mental on high energy hay, nightmare!

You're fired!

2010-10-07T11:33:00.000+01:00

Ok, so I watched The Apprentice last night hoping to pick up tips on being ruthless. All I can say is if they trawled the country for our top business brains and that's what they came up with, well I fear for our ability to get out of recession! As a woman who has a daily struggle with self confidence I just *wish* I knew where these people get it from, they seem to have buckets of the stuff. I just couldn't be that smug and self satisfied no matter how hard I tried. I nearly choked on my G &T several times as I find it hard to believe people can actually *be* that arrogant. I did pick up a few useful gestures from Sir/Lord/Uncle Alan though, I can do the rude pointy finger thingy, the rolled eyes of exasperation and tell people to shut up while I'm talking. I think that's a promising start!

Anyway I decided maybe it would be fun if I had my own mini smallholding apprentice, so I gathered together two teams. The boys team was the sheep. They decided they were going to be called The Woolly Bullies. Bobble elected himself as team leader by skewering Cardie up up bum with his horns, and sitting on Mitten's head until he gave in. The girls team was the hens, they decided to be called The Fen Hens. Buffy was elected to be team leader as in the event of anyone going for the chop she's the oldest and the others felt she'd had a good life. Of course last nights task was sausages and unfortunately the hens decided lamb & mint sausages would be a tasty option. On hearing this the boys felt chicken & stuffing sausages would win them the task. I'm afraid it all started to get quite ugly from there and a bit of a fracas ensued. Several hens sat on Cardie trying to stuff a sprig of mint up his bottom, whilst Bobble was trying to force feed one of my Orpington hens a packet of Paxo. I'm pleased to say everything's now under control, the riot police have just left and the vet accidentally shot me with a tranquiliser dart so I'm feeling pretty mellow about the whole thing! You're all fired!! ;)

Keeping on, keeping on...........

2010-10-06T07:30:00.002+01:00

I am currently trying very hard to make writing and art work for me as a career, hard enough at the best of times, possibly borderline crazy in a recession!! I'm also battling what I call today's "X-Factor" society whereby everyone thinks they can "make it" regardless of what talent they have, or not. I often *wish* I was endowed with even a fraction of the confidence of some of these people. You know the ones I mean, they turn up for the audition so full of themselves and their general marvelous-ness, while you're cringing inside because you *know* they will be awful. Indeed they are often astoundingly awful and when told this unfortunate fact they refuse to believe it and march off vowing to be bigger than Celine Dion, often with a string of expletives directed at the hapless Simon Cowell.

So naturally people like me, who do work hard at their craft, are now faced with editors completely sick of people claiming to be "the next JK Rowling" piling rubbish on their desks. These editors are hardened to it, so all prospective talent is greeted with the enthusiasm to rival finding an unfortunate bit of mould at the back of ones fridge. And this is before they have even read any of your writing. In fact some don't even want to read your writing anyway because at the moment publishing is a closed shop, no one wants to take a chance on a newbie. I don't actually want to be the next JK Rowling, I'd far rather be the first Emma Curtis, she with the quirky sheep!

To some extent it's even worse in art. The problem with the world of art is I find it somewhat like the "Emperors New Clothes" at times. Those in the know enthuse over something, so we're all supposed to like it just because they do. As a representational artist (ie. I paint stuff that looks how it should, rather than three eyes and one ear) I often feel that style is vastly overlooked by exhibition curators. Sometimes I look at who will be judging and you just know it's not worth the money to even enter, but times are changing and there's a growing movement of excellent representational artists coming through so I think there's hope yet.

If I were giving someone career advice, I'd say don't do this for a living it's hard, you have constant rejection to cope with and spend hours toiling alone for very little money. In some cases it's possibly a better career move to sleep with a footballer. However I carry on, because basically I can't stop, because I love what I do, it runs through my veins and makes my heart skip a beat. I spend my life thinking, writing and drawing, it defines me, it's who I am. There are times it's a complete and utter bloody nuisance. This blog for instance has been a millstone around my neck at times because people read and misinterpret it, when I mean things very much tongue in cheek. It has driven me near insane at times, and the same with Star's blog, because it's is only a very tiny snapshot of my life. I try to think of it as like a soap opera; it has to be entertaining/thought provoking/engaging enough to keep readers coming back, trust me it's no mean feat to keep doing that on a daily basis. I do not however reveal any more than I wish people to see, it's just like my burlesque, there's very much more to me than meets the eye! Besides which I have to hold enough back to make an autobiography feasible at some point .........!!!! ;)

Emma C's diary................

2010-10-05T11:59:00.005+01:00

Dress size- 8, at this rate I'll be a wafer by Christmas!
Glasses of wine- stuff that I'll have G&T, and make it large!
Biscuits- now is that individual ones or packets??
Self confidence- flat lined

Ok, I'm having surgery, I feel I need it and I'm afraid nothing any of you can say is going to persuade me any different. I'm going in for a niceness bypass, and while I'm there I'm also going to have a ruthlessness implant as well. The fact is being nice is ruining my life and I desperately need to do something about it, I'm now convinced I'm actually far too nice for my own good. Being nice is like a curse, I'm even really nice to people who aren't particularly nice to me, it's ridiculous!! In fact some people appear positively irritated when I do something nice for them and I'm often at a loss to understand why. I'm also completely useless at business because I'm not tough and ruthless enough.

The problem is I'm completely unable to stop myself from being nice, no matter how hard I try. I fear it's some sort of terrible addiction that has me deep within it's grip. I always endeavour to treat people with warmth and kindness, and I'm absolutely mortified if I think I may have inadvertently upset someone. Actually I often find myself apologising for stuff I haven't really done because I'm too nice not to! I find myself worrying constantly about hurting people's feelings. The fact I am nice means I often allow people to walk all over me, be really quite rude to me, plus sometimes I end up doing quite a lot of things I don't really want to because I'm too nice to say no. Being nice even costs me money. I currently have my horse trimmed every four weeks because I'm too nice to say we don't need it, therefore I pay twice as much money as I need to. This happens a lot with other things too.

The first stage of my de-niceness rehabilitation will be to watch The Apprentice tomorrow evening, study it, and take notes. I am absolutely sure that will be full of self centred, ruthless individuals who would sell their own grandmother if they thought there was a 5p profit in it! I'll be watching Sir/Lord/Uncle Alan very closely too, I might pick up some extra tips there as well, not least the rude pointy finger thingy he does. The second stage of my rehabilitation will be to start invoicing people I do anything nice for in future, after all in today's world you don't get something for nothing do you? I need to work out some kind of pricing system, one smile/hug= £2.50 + vat. I'm not really sure how to progress from there, so I'll have to give it some thought, now would anyone like me to make them a lovely cup of tea and massage their feet while they drink it??!

It's all kicking off again!!

2010-10-04T11:40:00.000+01:00

Yes obviously I am talking about my quacking pests here! I've noticed over the past few days there's been a bit of friction brewing between Dibley and Webster, the odd little peck here and there. Something's evidently been going on when I put them in their pen as I've been traumatised by the mess I've found in there the past few days. You'd never believe a pressure washer had been anywhere near it! Then yesterday Dibley was sat on top of Webster hitting him over the head with an old plant pot and trying to stuff him head first in the pond filter! Dibley, bless his little orange socks, appears to have taken control of the harem of females, at the moment he's swaggering about the garden like he's the owner of the world's largest pair of testicles! I think he'll soon come down to earth with a bump though because he'll have a very hard time keeping Bib & Tucker in line at the best of times. Dibley might like to think he's macho, I'm afraid the reality is he's very easily manipulated by females to do their bidding whenever required. He's nothing more than a puppet, or should that be muppet! Webster has been relegated to the role of occasional lothario when he can get near enough any unsuspecting female to pounce! Evolution wise I think Webster is highly adapted for this role as he appears to have abnormally long legs, enabling him to run quicker than any of the other ducks. Although I think possibly the females may feel it's a shame that length isn't in his 'webbling apparatus', as the whole process would be quicker and easier without the patented Webster slide part way through!! So it appears they're recovering from their moult and normal service is now resumed, the back garden once again turned into the duck equivalent of the Benny Hill show!

Friends

2010-10-03T19:34:00.000+01:00

This is a link to John's blog he posted some lovely quotes about friends this week. I think you only find out who your real friends are when you have a hard time in life, and I'm lucky enough to have a few great ones. So thanks for being there when I needed you xx

Working weekend!

2010-10-02T11:20:00.000+01:00

I've got a hedonistic weekend planned of work, work, and yes work! I'm discovering I don't actually need anything else in my life other than work and the animals, blissful solitude suits me just fine at the moment. I think animals are a terrific balancer and just the right kind of company, after all they agree with practically everything I say, laugh at all my jokes and don't generally complain! I think chatting to hens is the most rewarding, they always look interested in anything I say, particularly if I happen to have a scone in my coat pocket. Chatting to the ducks is a whole lot less rewarding, it's constant lip (or beak) and backchat, plus they always have to try and get in the last word! They do laugh at my jokes, but then again they laugh at practically anything, so I'm not entirely sure it's any sort of complement!

Now I don't want to give anyone the impression I'm a people hater as I'm certainly not. I enjoy my own company, the company of animals and a lovely chat with nice people equally. If I were an animal I'd probably be a Labrador; quite enthusiastic, friendly, affectionate and loves practically everyone. In fact I think I might possibly have some sort of genetic niceness abnormality. I appear to go through life thinking everyone is nice and lovely, until I subsequently find they're not and it comes as a bit of a crushing blow. You'd think I'd have learnt my lesson by now, but no I still go merrily along thinking the exact same things. In fact I think niceness is a very underrated quality these days, especially as society appears to be becoming increasingly selfish. I really love what I call random acts of kindness, just doing something really lovely for someone else, even better if it's unexpected. Obviously my special gift is art, so I enjoy doing pictures of peoples animals for them as gifts, especially as I know there are lots of people who simply can't afford portraits. I think I give away far more artwork than I ever sell, but for me it's lovely to just be able to make someone else smile. That really is a special gift.

At the moment I've got awful writers block to try and work through, and am beginning to wonder will I ever feel funny again? I'm wondering if a stiff G&T would help! Blogging does help me tremendously in that I just keep writing, and the only way to get better at something is to do it, constantly. I find it a bit of a double edged sword though in that it's little keyhole on my life, some areas of which I like to keep private. The other thing is people then interpret what they read in a million different ways. Now that's good because it shows as a writer I'm doing a good job, but bad when they start to try and extrapolate it into "real life" and think I mean something that I didn't. Sometimes I wonder if I should be writing under a Nom de Plume but have yet to come up with something suitably exotic sounding! So if you pop onto the blog next week and see it's being written by Fifi La Pompom it could be me........or indeed it could be one of the sheep in disguise, who can tell! ;)

Drunk and disorderly

2010-09-30T11:05:00.000+01:00

And before anyone pipes up, no I don't mean me! I always have a bit of a problem at this time of year with chickens and over consumption of apples. There are about half a dozen apple trees, and a couple of pear trees, in the garden which produce plentiful windfalls for the hens to tuck into. They really love them and can't seem to get enough. I have to say it's slightly annoying when I see the more adventurous hens scaling the branches to peck at fruit when there's loads of it sat on the floor, but there you go, that's chickens for you! When I open the pop hole of then hen house each morning I'm nearly knocked off my feet by this sweet apple fermenting smell, mixed in with the odour of musty hens! They actually look hungover as they come wobbling bleary eyed down the ramp and pause for an Alka Seltzer at the bottom! I think this fruit must ferment a bit in their crops and cause them to become, how shall we say, a bit merry during the morning. I've got hens sliding all the way down the garden path and collapsing in a giant feathery heap at the bottom. By the afternoon they're generally all sleeping it off under a bush snoring. I'm actually thinking it's a shame ducks don't eat fruit, but then again they're more than enough trouble sober!

Way off the mark

2010-09-29T11:55:00.000+01:00

I have to confess I've not done terribly well with my September goals *sigh* It's such a pain in the rear when the rest life gets in the way, now I understand why some artists go mad and end up locking themselves in the studio. People have this really strange mental image of artists I think. Frankly I blame the likes of Van Gough, Picasso, Tracy Emin and that weird guy who dresses in frocks and won the Turner prize. It's like we're all pigeonholed as borderline nutcases imminently about to cut our own ears off! Either that or we're out of our heads on absinthe and turps fumes, flouncing about in a smock creating pictures no one really understands. Charles Saatchi has a lot to answer for having promoted the likes of Damien Hirst who farm out their ideas to other individuals to create.

Creative people aren't like your everyday run of the mill person, we do see the world in a slightly different way to everyone else. But that's not a bad thing, I wouldn't want to be "normal" because I think it would actually be really very boring. I felt so sad when I saw a documentary about drug addicts who need to get high just to get them out of everyday reality. I count myself very lucky that I don't need a chemical high or escape, my mind is powerful enough that I can create whatever fantasy I want to. In a lot of ways I think creative people retain some sort of inner child in terms of imagination and fantasy. And I always say I never really looked at anything until I learnt to draw.

It does however have it's advantages in that you can get into a bit of a miff and put it down to being "artistic", tears can be put down to living life in creative turmoil too. The funniest misunderstanding I ever had was when a person looked very quizzically at me when I told them I painted animals. He said "but don't they mind??" and I replied "well I've never met one that objected yet". Anyway it turns out he thought I actually painted ON the animal itself which conjures up some very strange mental images of pink and purple striped cats! And I thought my mind was a bit bizarre!!

Ummmmmmmm

2010-09-27T12:25:00.001+01:00

I'm trying to think of something intellectual and cerebral to say but drawing a blank! My mind can't function properly in dull weather, I think I might need to spend the winter clamped up against one of those daylight lamps eating crumpets!! Yesterday it drizzled the whole day, I don't think some of the hens even made it past the bottom of the ramp from the hen house. The sheep, who are supposed to be a hardy Scottish breed, appear to spend most of the day lounging in the shelter until teatime. By then they must have decided they actually needed to go out and get wet fleeces primarily so they could rub up against my jeans and get them sopping wet too. There is a peculiarly piquant quality to the odour of wet sheep that clings to your clothing for an indefinite period of time, even after washing. I almost feel like they're scent marking me so they can keep me for themselves! There's also a very heavy aroma of wet dogs about as well. I've got dogs climbing the walls here, as first Laika had a bad paw, then Biba got one, then Laika injured a different paw, the net result being I've had three active dogs cooped up for a few weeks. Elza has now managed to destroy two dog beds, a tennis ball and eat a spider, I'm not complaining about the spider though! I'm even more upset as I got an email from The Universe this morning telling me I've got many more fabulous days like this one to come??? Err sorry but I think you sent that one to the wrong person, I'm sat here feeling completely fed up, in smelly wet trousers, with two hideous curly bits in the front of my hair despite this new styling product assuring me it tames frizz, trying not to look at the mud on the carpet and with chocolate digestive crumbs all down my sweatshirt. If this is as good as it gets I might as well bloody give up now!!

Dances with sheep

2010-09-26T11:11:00.000+01:00

One of the many things about the sheep that makes me laugh is when they play. Yes sheep really play, it's not just lambs! The boys like to play what I call "One man and his dog", obviously minus the dog!! They kind of run around the paddock like they're being herded, pen themselves, then run about and do it all again. Yesterday evening I was just having a little trample about the paddock checking for ragwort and the boys decided they were going to follow me about, just in case I happened to be laden with ginger biscuits. After they realised I wasn't they decided they would have a play. Cardie does his springbok impression and likes to leap four footed into the air just to show off his acrobatic skills. You have no idea how high these little sheep can jump when they put they're minds to it. I wondered, as you do, if I ran about with them would they follow me? This is the bit where I'm glad we have no near neighbours because I'm running about the paddock like a lunatic being chased by sheep! I like to say I've retained my inner child ;) So we had a great time, Star was at the fence looking a bit bemused wondering what we were doing. Sometimes when the sheep run about she has a little canter too. So we had a great time, I highly recommend it as a form of aerobic exercise, after all who needs a collie!

I don't believe my eyes

2010-09-25T09:30:00.003+01:00

Those of you who follow me on facebook obviously know I'm painting a goose at the moment. It's from a photo taken at my friends, he had to protect me as they were nesting at the time and weren't especially keen on a woman with a camera! Anyway, it's one of those pictures I look at with complete disbelief that I've actually painted it. When I was at school I used to get such a hard time form my art teacher. He used to say my stuff was "nice" and he hated nice in art. I was always the one collaging foil and wrappers onto everything! In a lot of ways I think he crushed my dreams, which makes me super determined to prove him wrong, just as well determination is one of my better qualities!!

The thing is though I can't tell you how I do some of these pictures, I often find it hard to believe it's really me doing it at all. I sit in the studio, put on a cd, we're on a Snow Patrol week this week, and just twiddle about with a brush and paint. I was actually sat in there for four hours solid the other afternoon painting feathers, and only realised the time because I felt cold due to not moving about much. I could lose myself for ages and to be honest if left to my own devices would possibly forget to eat or do anything else. I think in common with most artists/writers/creative types I'm rarely satisfied with what I do. Personally I think that quality is needed to motivate and drive you on. It's quite a solitary profession and you need to be very self contained about how you work. I also enjoy the challenge as well, even though some pictures are frustrating and give me a real headache, if I painted the perfect one I'd possibly get bored and give up.

The one thing I truly wish is that my dad could be here to see what I'm doing now. Sometimes I have tears in my eyes because I would love to show him my work, I think he would have liked it. I always hope somehow he's looking down on me and smiling. I wish he could put his arms around me and tell me everything will be ok too. I do know my mum is very proud of all my paintings which makes me very happy. I like pictures to make people happy, it's totally pointless them sitting in the drawer unloved. It gives me great pleasure when people enjoy what I do, it's the best feeling. I've had such great support from people, some of whom I've never even met, I want to cry sometimes because I just have no idea where this all comes from within me. Each time one of my pictures/writing is rejected, I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. To all of you who believe in me totally that I can make it in art and writing, that I have something unique to give to the world, I don't know what I'd do without your support, it means so much, thank you.

Heavens be......it's Mr P!

2010-09-24T11:37:00.000+01:00

Just when you thought he couldn't get any scruffier he decided to moult..............

I'm really quite embarrassed to be publishing this photo, especially since I've always been renowned for the condition of my birds. I don't think it helps to be honest that he lives next door to RJ, who lets face it is quite glamorous. Mr P does tend to bring the tone of the whole area down, which is why he's hidden away around the corner! The Unpleasant Fowl really are the nuisance neighbours of the poultry world. If Mr P was a person he'd be wearing a disgusting grubby vest, have a fag hanging out of the corner of his mouth, and probably have a rusty burnt out car and an old sofa in his front garden!! Plus there's the fact that Mr P also has to put out a major alarm call any time a sparrow farts, so every hen on the premises fears some sort of imminent attack. His own hens take no notice whatsoever, and are often to be found sitting on him trying to shut him up by stuffing a sock in his beak! Frankly I've now given up hope that he will ever look like a "proper" chicken, you know one with the full compliment of feathers!! I don't really know what else to say but if anyone wants to re-home him, be my guest! (Once he's gone I would swiftly move, so no chance of bringing him back!)

Under siege!

2010-09-23T11:35:00.001+01:00

I hate this time of the year as we always appear to be inundated with the most horribly large tarantula like spiders looking for a winter home. I had to take the vacuum into the studio the other day as I could spot one lurking in the corner by my mountboard. It's terrible, I shouldn't have to sit painting armed with a steel ruler just in case! Then the other evening I was sat enjoying a couple of chocolates when I noticed one making it's way towards my foot. I had to quickly leap up and try to squash it before it got hold of my Thornton's truffles! Tuesday evening I removed a huge one from the bath, then it's sister was in there last night so that was removed as well. Then this morning I got in the shower, turned around and it's even bigger cousin was clamped onto the shower curtain. I was too afraid to move, tried to weigh up the options, realised washing it down the plughole wasn't going to work as the plug seemed to be a bit blocked. I can tell you the last thing I wanted was a spider swimming breast stroke towards my foot! I had to resort to plan B which was screaming until I was rescued and the thing removed!

My dad was always a bit of a practical joker, he was renowned for it at work. No one could enter the re-grind department without coming out with either a gigantically long tail attached, or failing that a sign saying; "spank me, you know I like it"! He also had this really horrible set of gargantuan plastic insects that he enjoyed hiding in drawers, cupboards or anywhere else they might unwittingly surprise any hapless person. I think the secretary where he worked was traumatised after she opened her desk drawer to find a giant grasshopper in there by the stapler! He always used to do this at home as well so you would think I'd be hardened to it, but it still used to catch me unawares if I found a hideous looking plastic spider in my sock drawer! The piece de la resistance in his collection was a giant spider on a kind of suction cup spring type of thing. He would place this on the floor somewhere so when you walked by it would spring up near your face. I miss his antics as I would far rather be dealing with the plastic version rather than the real thing!!

10 top tips for living with a creative person.............

2010-09-22T11:24:00.003+01:00

1. Never ever use anything considered to be an artistic tool for writing down phone messages, shopping lists or any other mundane purpose. Pencils, biros, crayons, pens and brushes are specifically designed for creative works, not any other use. If a creative person cannot find the right pencil at the right time all is lost and you may well end up with a creative tizzy on your hands!

2. Never tidy anything up. Artists only ever make creative mess and we know where everything is in that mess (sort of). In fact artistic mess could be considered as art in itself if you are Charles Saatchi.

3. Ignore all hysteria, flounces and creative strops. Living life in turmoil is an inherent part of all creative pursuits and such things are generally a storm in a teacup. In fact tea is a known remedy for all of these.

4. Never question why an artist has chosen a particular subject matter. Even we don't know why we do what we do half the time and are generally forced to come up with some sort of outrageous nonsense to try and justify it.

5. Any criticism must be constructive. It's not enough to say you "just don't like" something, that is unless you want to be hit on the head with a picture frame!

6. If an artist says one of their works is "rubbish" that's your cue to tell them how marvellous it is, not agree with them and chuck it in the bin!!

7. An artist suffering from "creative block" is one of the most frustrated (and frustrating) creatures on the planet. We have no idea why it is we're completely unable to do what we normally do and require bucket loads of sympathy, reassuring hugs and a lie down in a darkened room with a damp flannel. Wine and chocolates also work well in these situations.

8. Never ever tell an artist a picture doesn't look finished, unless you are categorically sure it isn't actually finished.

9. Do not interrupt any creative person while they're "in the zone". Everything else in life ceases to be important during this time and the creative person cannot be expected to just drop everything and cook the tea, sort the washing or answer the phone.

10. Creative people just cannot deal with any of the 'normal' aspects of life. Being 'right brained' we are unable to use instruction booklets, work any domestic appliance other than a kettle, do anything in a logical order or do any less than three things at once.

Big hairy balls!

2010-09-21T11:11:00.001+01:00

It's hilarious, I almost fell off my chair laughing! Now blogger has stats I'm really intrigued to see where the traffic to my blogs originates from. I can see what key words people are putting into google to find me. Amazingly a lot of people are looking for me personally, I appear to have gained some sort of internet notoriety at least! On Star's blog people are googling clicker terms and coming up with me, so that's great. The thing that really made me laugh though is that two people googled "big hairy balls" and came up with this blog! I sincerely hope you weren't disappointed when you actually got here! Note to self; must post more about rams testicles to increase traffic! Maybe I need to make it even racier, or have more wibbly moments, that always seems to increase traffic. I also had to laugh as I seem to have this weird blog viewing spike that occurs directly after the X factor has finished. That's not you is it Simon Cowell???!!

Someone told me they like it because I write from the heart, which is great because I do. I can't help it, I have tried to stop because it can be a little embarrassing when I meet people who immediately then ask what size knickers I'm wearing on that day! I often wonder if maybe I'm a bit too open, but I guess at the end of the day that's what people like. The thing I love about blogs is that they're like a peep into someone else's universe which is so cool. When I go out I'm also frequently introduced now as Emma with Star as well, which always makes me smile. Although Star is getting a bit too famous now and consequently becoming a bit of a diva!! I couldn't believe it when I went to a yard a while back and someone remembered me from an article I'd written about clicker training donkeys, how cool is that!!

I kind of have a love/hate relationship with the internet. It's great because I've met some fabulous people who have gone on to become very good friends in real life, I've "met" people all around the world who enjoy my writing, and I love being able to read all sorts of interesting stuff about people. Naturally it does have it's downsides in that some people use the anonymity of being behind a computer to spend all day being spiteful about others, and I've found certain things to be a bit cliquey, which I hate. I certainly endeavour to be open and friendly and will always take time to try and help others if I possibly can. I love the ability it gives me to interact and engage with people, possibly in a better way than "real" life. I'd also like to say a big hello to my Russian and Korean readers who undoubtedly must think I'm a British mad woman, although I suspect some British people think that too! ;)

Dear BBC......................

2010-09-20T11:19:00.000+01:00

Dear BBC,
I'm delighted to be writing to you yet again about your news reader Huw Edwards. I noticed recently he'd had a few days off, and was slightly concerned he may have been kidnapped and spray tanned by Christine Bleakley. So you can imagine I was absolutely thrilled to see him back and the Pope appears to have had a rather amazing effect on his skin tone. Huw almost looked a "normal" colour on friday evening. It's nothing short of a miracle! Bless the Pope and his amazing powers.

However I'm getting very concerned about the effect the current recession is having on Huw's wardrobe of ties. I've noticed a distinct correlation between the worsening economic crisis and how outrageously lurid his ties are becoming. I am presuming the BBC wardrobe department is having to tighten it's belt and is now purchasing them from various charity shops. These increasingly bright ties also seem to be having a very detrimental effect on his news reading abilities. Often he appears so uncomfortable he can't even manage his trademark lip curl at the beginning of each item. I was wondering whether it might be possible to have some sort of nationwide whip round to try and get Huw some decent ties. Or maybe a Blue Peter appeal on his behalf would be a very good idea, viewers could send in ties for him. I'd volunteer to vet the ties and weed out any unsuitably psychedelic ones.

You'll doubtless also be pleased to hear I've had yet another of my marvellous ideas to enhance your programme schedules. It's called Up-Enders, and is a duck based soap opera set on a canal, and in the Frog & Trumpet public house. Obviously it will have to be post watershed as there's a lot of swearing, love triangles, affairs and threesomes. However I feel it would be far more engaging and uplifting than your current offerings which mainly seem to involve shouting, misery and yet more shouting. At the very least you'll save a shed load of money because my ducks are available to star in it, and they're very cheap.

Yours Faithfully

A Viewer

p.s. I'd like to remind you my piano playing horse is still available to take part in an episode of Country File, I just know John Craven would love her.

Disproportionate sizing

2010-09-19T11:36:00.000+01:00

Flumps (actually they're Pekins, but they remind me of the TV series) never cease to amaze me. For birds with no discernible leg length they can easily out sprint a much larger chicken if they spot something they really want. They're also incredibly feisty and chase the ducks off if they're hogging a prime spot on the lawn. Actually I have to say I find many of the smaller birds to be much feistier than their larger counterparts, what they lack in size they always appear to make up for in attitude. I wonder if that's why I'm small and occasionally very feisty, hmmm??! Anyway the other day I watched in a amusement as a Flump found a huge worm. In Flump terms this thing was approximately the size of a python, but that wasn't going to stop her eating it. It was a bit like watching a sword swallower, neat trick, particularly as she was running at the time since one of the others was trying to pinch it.

The ducks have been known to tackle gigantic slugs, you know the things that look like they've slithered out of some GM horror movie. Ducks don't produce saliva, so these things have to be lubricated down with copious amounts of pond water. Often I wonder if it's going to get stuck and they will choke, and have visions of having to do mouth to beak resuscitation! Thankfully though that's never happened yet! There is another disproportionate sizing problem with the ducks as well. I had an embarrassing incident a while ago when someone pointed out Dibley appeared to have something long sticking out of his undercarriage regions. I had to point out this giant thing was in fact Dibley's "dibbling apparatus", yes, it really is that long! Webster on the other hand appears to have a disproportionately small one, and I suspect this is often the cause of him sliding off part way through mating much to the exasperation of any female. Another fact that will doubtless make my male readers squirm is the fact that drakes can occasionally prolapse their penis, in which case it generally shrivels up and drops off. Now don't say I didn't warn you!!!

Does my bum look big in this???

2010-09-18T17:01:00.002+01:00

I've been shopping. Yes I know, again, you can tell I'm definitely having some sort of major life crisis. First she stops drawing, then buying flip flops and strange tops is the next logical step. I think I may have been taken over by a strange hybrid of Sarah Jessica Parker and Immelda Marcos!! I also like to pop out on a saturday for a cappuccino and a bit of cake, it makes me feel slightly sophisticated for half an hour. Which trust me is a welcome break when you spend the rest of your life being loved by small sheep. You'll doubtless be glad to hear I didn't buy flip flops I actually got a pair of trainers, so expect a warming of the weather imminently! I'll be sure to let you know when I get a new pair of wellies as that will virtually guarantee a heatwave. Anyway I spotted some I liked, as is generally the way they only had size three and four, so rummaging I found a five. Obviously logic would tell you that if there's one size five there must be another, but no someone has odd sized feet evidently. By some amazing quirk of fate my feet appear to have shrunk so a size four actually fitted, either that or it was sheer determination on my part to get my foot in there. What I didn't realise all this time whilst I was rummaging in trainer heaven was there was some big guy behind me eyeing my bum each time I bent down. If I'd have known I would have worn smaller knickers! Apparently he got smacked by his wife twice but even that wasn't enough to stop him. I'm taking it as a compliment anyway, I have to get them where I can these days! A month ago I was feeling quite good, now I'm back to a minus reading on the confidence scale and am wondering if I can claw my way back up again. At this rate I can't find knickers big enough *sigh*

Anyway note to male readers should any females ever ask you the rhetorical question; "does my bum look big in this??" You're actually supposed to say "no, of course not, you look lovely" not "*cough* *splutter* it's like two big raccoons fighting in a sack"!!!!

DIY- Sheep style!

2010-09-17T11:22:00.000+01:00

I'm guessing the boys are feeling the need to make some sort of refurbishments to their field shelter. The past few days while I've been doing Star's tea and her footcare I could hear loud banging coming from their little abode. The first time I stupidly thought I might have accidentally shut one in the cupboard, so went rushing down there only to find all three of them hanging about looking suspiciously guilty. The next night I tried sneaking down there commando style disguised as a thistle to see what they're up to. No joy there either, my disguise must have been pretty crap as by the time I got down there they were all looking around innocently and whistling! Last night I'd just finished doing Star when B pulled up in his tractor. We were having a bit of a giggle about Mr Tousely farmer dumping rubble in the ditches during the night. Mr Tousely farmer is wild, rugged, and built like the proverbial brick shithouse, so no one ever dare question his strange activities in farming! Anyhow I digress, the banging started up again so B says "I think your sheep are up to no good again". I replied "I know, I think they're using Cardie as a battering ram trying to knock through to build an extension!" So then B says "Why is it all animals you appear to get your hands on are dysfunctional??" I'm sorry but I think that's an absolute bloody cheek! As far as I'm concerned everyone elses animals are dysfunctional because they're not like mine. I just allow them the freedom for self expression! So I'm no nearer to knowing what "improvements" the sheep are making to their shelter at this moment but I am keeping an eye on it. Also Mitten now has a restraining order taken out against him after his over vigorous lovemaking resulted in damage to someone's leg. This is where I realise I'm not covered for public liability insurance and expect some sort of claim from one of those slimy compensation solicitors. I haven't got much so they'll have to take my curling tongs as part payment. *sigh* I guess I'm going to have to put some sort of warning sign down there; "Caution: dangerous wild sheep, enter at your own risk"!!!

Bring it on!

2010-09-16T12:29:00.001+01:00

Ok, I'm back working again, hurrah! (posting it on my facebook page) You can always tell if something's majorly amiss in my life if I'm not working. No paintings= miserable Emma! It's like part of my life is missing and I can't breathe. I've also been practising on my nemesis, Corel Painter X, and trying to get to grips with the graphics tablet. It's a completely different skill drawing and looking at a screen, as compared to drawing in a sketch book. I feel like I'm having to learn to draw all over again. Naturally being "right brained" (this is my new catch all excuse for everything now!!) I'm completely unable to follow an instruction booklet resulting in great frustration and annoyance until I get it right. I have to keep reminding myself how frustrated I used to get with real paint until I learnt different things, usually from my (many) mistakes. I'm certainly hoping after the stress of the last couple of weeks things are going to settle down. Not only have I had some very major personal problems to sort out, there's also been a load of stuff in the happy land of clicker training that's got me, and some other people I know, unnecessarily stressed just to add to all our troubles. I just *wish* life could be all fluffy and cuddly and people just get along. Anyway, I've come up with a couple of new goals for my writing. Unfortunately I'm in a catch 22 situation in that to get taken seriously and be published I first need to be published! So with that in mind I'm going to see if I can do a couple of magazine articles and see how I go. I'm thinking of stuff with a humorous slant for smallholding mags, but wondering if I unleash the ducks or Bobble, Mitten and Cardie on the unsuspecting world at large will I have an overnight phenomenon on my hands??!! One thing's for sure Max Clifford will be taking his large cut! Then of course I have Midnight Star, International Super Horse. My dream would be to get something in Horse & Hound, purely because most of the stuff in there raises my blood pressure to an unnatural degree, and I actually think they should seriously consider a feature about a piano playing horse for a change! I might have to aim for a different publication though as I don't generally mingle with the Pimms and sweet sherry set. The universe actually emailed me to say I have a glittering future ahead, so I'm hoping for once it's not leading me astray!! Onwards and upwards............

Caution: Farmer on the loose!

2010-09-15T10:52:00.000+01:00

I watched with trepidation yesterday morning as world's sweariest farmer, he with the parental advisory sticker on his overalls, went trundling past the front of the house with his trailer. My heart always sinks because every year we have the same scenario. The trailer is loaded with bales, he then finds it difficult to navigate down the track past our trees, and we have to spend the rest of the week clearing up the aftermath. The cottage is in a really weird position of sharing access with the farm, so they actually own that bit of track and use it as they wish. The problem with world's sweariest farmer is he does like to live life on the edge when driving a tractor, quite literally as it's not uncommon for him to deposit a trailer load of bales into the ditch. Either that or I find half the bales stuck to our trees as he's tried to do a bit of impromptu trimming as he goes along. I was quite relieved when I did eventually pluck up the courage to go out and found the track was only about an inch deep in shed straw, with only one huge bit of bale netting flying from the top of one of the trees like a flag. He has also only managed to take out one of the gravel boards this time, so that was an improvement as well, gold star for effort this time! Fences, gates and anything else that happens to get in the way are usually fair game to be demolished. Actually it was his nephew who mangled our gate when he emptied the septic tank, the whole family appear to be a liability in large vehicles! Actually I will confess to being a bit disappointed he didn't bring his sidekick along to help, the lovely Steve, in his very short shorts. Usually there's guaranteed entertainment with two as you can hear the arguments and swearing right across the Fens!!

Life laundry

2010-09-14T10:19:00.000+01:00

I think it's safe to say the past three weeks have to rank near the top of the all time most stressful weeks of my entire life. I just wonder why on earth it should be that *everything* has to happen at once. It can't be just one or two really crap things that happen, oh no, the whole lot appears to descend into your life all at once. I've kind of felt like I'm on one of those really horrible army assault courses. You know, you scramble over the huge wall only to find there's a rope thing to climb, get over that then there's a zip line, and on, and on! I do know it's not just me though, some of the nicest people I know all seem to also be having horrible times at the moment too. What really annoys me though is the complete unfairness of life, why are the w*nkers and b*stards the ones who appear to skip through life without a care in the world??

Anyway, enough of the depressing stuff, I'm trying to hold onto the thought I will have a bright and positive future to look forward to. I got given a copy of the Writers & Artists yearbook at the weekend. What a complete gem that is, it's got so much stuff about getting published and resources to help people like me. I really need to try and raise my profile a bit more so I'm going to have a crack at a couple of magazine articles and see how I get on. I am very bad at self publicity, I think basically I need a PA/manager to do all that stuff for me, as well as dispensing tea, toast and reassuring hugs on a regular basis, applications on a postcard please! To enable me to get on with more writing I've had to be quite ruthless and prune back some of my internet stuff. I feel bad about doing it but the fact is I can spend 2+ hours a day on it. I feel like I'm being very rude and I'm really sorry if I'm not able to reply to all posts, disappear from facebook pages or forums, because I simply don't have time to read everything these days. There is just so much stuff on the internet and habitual procrastinators like me can easily use it as a distraction, so I'm trying to limit myself. I must stay away from eBay......................

Washed away

2010-09-13T12:17:00.000+01:00

The ducks are now all sparkly clean having had their bi-annual go over with the pressure washer. And before anyone writes in complaining about me water boarding my ducks, I'm talking about duck HQ here, rather than the quacking pests themselves!! Quite how such small, cute looking things can produce so much mess is beyond me. Their pen is brushed out twice a day, but no matter how hard you try they still manage to grind it into the floor and spread it up the walls. I've yet to work out just how they manage to get poo up the walls and I'm guessing I don't want to know either. I think they get some sort of perverse delight out of seeing me get splattered in duck crap on a daily basis. So that's that done before winter comes. All the chicken houses have been done, so all the hens are all set too. We have to wait until this time of year, as they're moulting it means we don't have a queue of hens with their legs crossed waiting to get in and lay an egg while the housing is drying out.

Also managed to bottle up 29 bottles of wine from a kit that's been going for just over a week. It's another one of those cheap muesli style ones with all kinds of dry bits that you can never completely sieve out. I have to say I'm at the stage now where I couldn't care less if there's something unidentifiable floating about in my wine. As long as it's wet and doesn't taste too bad I'll drink it! Don't tell the chancellor as for less than £1 a bottle I don't want the government at my door demanding extra duty. I also don't want to give the impression I'm some kind of rampant alcoholic either. The fact is these days I very rarely have more than one glass, my days of getting tipsy and falling off of walls are long gone, although I do believe my sister still spends the odd night in a skip! I did however read something interesting about Roald Dahl, who apparently always had a Gin and Tonic at lunchtime before settling down to write. I'm thinking that's actually a great idea and could improve my creativity no end! Apparently he was never satisfied with anything he did either, so that's something else we have in common, I'm just waiting for the mega book deal now then!

A night on the tiles

2010-09-12T12:30:00.000+01:00

Well not quite as I was home early to do Star's hay. I will confess I nearly didn't go as I thought crikey I just can't face this right now. I must have had a moment of sheer madness when I purchased that dress, I was on an all time confidence high, that's for sure. However not wanting to let anyone down I did gee myself up, got out the rollers and the huge box of make up left over from the days I used to be a make up artist and tried to work some sort of miraculous transformation. Which didn't happen really as I felt like Jackie Onassis but without the money or style!! I could not walk in the shoes and almost got left behind in the car park. I'm afraid I just don't do elegant at all well, I don't have the attitude I don't think, plus I never really feel womanly, in my mind I guess I'm still an awkward teenager. I've never felt attractive or beautiful, I was always the one left on the sidelines at school discos. Then when I walked in the door half a dozen people turned around to look, and so I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. The meal was nice though and I discovered I walk in heels significantly better after drinking wine. Some pics, I'm afraid I'm equally as self conscious about having photos taken too!

It's terrible really I'm just too shy for my own good. I'm afraid I'm the sort of person who's even shy on facebook, I can't believe I nearly have thirty friends on my personal one. Every time I get a friend request I'm like bloody hell, what me?? And it gets worse, what I didn't realise is that *someone* has been showing pics taken when I did my burlesque routine so practically everyone has now seen my bum and sequined tassels! *sigh*

Emma C's diary...........

2010-09-10T16:20:00.000+01:00

Self confidence: plummeted down off the scale!
Biscuits: eaten the lot!
Wine: definitely if you're offering, mine's a large one!
Dress size: now wearing a size 8 pair of jeans due to the fact I don't actually want builders bum every time I bend over!

I discovered something really quite curious. Blogger now has stats so I can have some idea of traffic to the blogs. To be fair they've possibly been on there for ages, and I just haven't noticed before! Anyway the curious thing is that I appear to be more popular than ever when I have some sort of life crisis with vastly increased internet views! I had a bit of a meltdown last week due to a whole load of reasons, and was wondering if I should loan my horse out. Not because I don't love her, but sometimes I just feel maybe I'm not cut out for the whole equestrian thing. I mean I have a Joules top and everything, but the minute I open my mouth and talk about having a piano playing horse it stops most people in their tracks. Usually I can deal with it due to my normal nature of being different and to some extent I'm used to it, but I do have the odd occasion where I can't. I'm only human and I'm certainly in no way perfect, I have my ups and downs like everyone else. I would say I'm a walking contradiction in a lots of ways, although I'm sensitive and vulnerable, I'm also quite tenacious and tough. I guess I'm a bit like a rubber ball in that I tend to bounce back fairly rapidly! Anyway I think Star and I were made for each other, so no one needs to worry.

I'm thinking about tomorrow, going out, and the impending wearing of "the dress". I need to summon up some confidence reserves from somewhere that's for sure. This is why I don't get to go out often, as the whole thing needs to be planned with military precision. Although I'm not the sort of person to spend hours faffing about getting ready, the fact that I'm going to have to put heated rollers in my hair to make it look half decent means all the chickens will be getting an early tea. I haven't told them this yet and doubtless their internal clocks will tell them I'm up to no good, so they'll have to be bribed with treats! Chickens and ducks object to anything that messes up their daily routine. The ducks are never more obstructive than when you're in a hurry. That will ensure I'll have to chase them around the greenhouse at least ten times before I can get them in! One thing's for sure I'd have no chance of getting them in if they saw me done up with rollers, they don't even like it if I wear a different coat. Then I'll have to get ready and go directly out of the door before I become covered in dog hair. I swear the more those dogs are furminated the more loose coat they produce. So with all of this advance planning needed, going out anywhere requiring getting "done up" becomes a fairly stressful experience. I'm just worried about teetering about in high heels. This was another of my "marvellous" ideas, the shoes seemed great in the shop until I got them home and realised I can't actually walk in them! My feet are far more used to hiking boots and wellies these days. Maybe someone can carry me, I quite like being picked up!! So if you see a woman with strange hair, shoe horned into a tight dress, teetering about....that'll be me!!

Trailer trash

2010-09-09T12:27:00.002+01:00

I'm afraid the saga of my illegally parked hay trailer is still going on, and on! For those who don't know the whole sorry tale, last year I decided I needed to sort out a better way of storing the hay as too many bales were sweating under tarp. I have a neighbour who is a bit of a character, he repairs my car and is also a bit like the Arthur Daley of the village. If you need *anything* he usually knows a man, who knows a man, no questions asked, if you know what I mean! So anyway I asked B, the farmer I rent my land from if it would be ok to pop a trailer back on the corner behind RJ's pen. No problem. So trailer was delivered, put where I had asked, and all was well. That was until B's brother came up with a load of hay and hit the roof! Obviously I was mortified as I just assumed B had asked him if it was ok, I forgot they hardly speak, and B hadn't told him I was renting that corner too. It's all so bloody complicated and I ended up having to smooth things over with a box of biscuits! So to keep WW3 from breaking out I said I would pay B to move the trailer when we'd used the hay. I've currently now been waiting 4 months for him to do it and was down to my last 3 bales! B will answer personal texts, but ignores them if I actually need him to do anything. I need some kind of guide about the psychology of dealing with farmers! Apparently the delay is caused because B needs to borrow some long tines from Mr Nosy farmer. Mr Nosy farmer, you may remember, is the one that indulges in extra curricular activities all around the village and has been caught climbing out of numerous bedroom windows with no trousers on! Obviously I haven't asked why he has longer tines, as I just assume it's to reach the higher windows!! So I'm still waiting and I have this funny feeling the trailer might still be there this time next year. I was actually thinking of painting some kind of Banksy style mural on the side, something along the lines of; "Sheep rock and Cobs rule" with a graffiti style pic of Star and the sheep!

This email arrived from the Universe this morning and made me cry. How does the universe know all this stuff about me?? I love giving things and making people happy, caring about peoples feelings, kissing (mostly sheep these days!), I live in a cottage and I often skip too. Spooky! Although I'm still waiting on some of this stuff to reciprocally happen to me! ;)
People who give, Emma, are given to.
People who care, are cared for.
And people who love... age slower, run faster, jump higher, eat healthier, tend to live in cottages, are as happy with friends as they are alone, climb more trees, skip when they could walk, kiss when they could talk, take the odd Friday off, experience faster manifestations, and are really popular with animals.
Love, baby -
The Universe

Normality anyone??

2010-09-08T12:54:00.000+01:00

I never thought I would find myself saying this, but I could really do with a mega dose of normality in my life right now. I think even a discussion about the relative merits of round tea bags versus the pyramid ones might come as a pleasant distraction!! I think one of the really great things about having animals is no matter what else is happening they provide some sort of constant. That can often be a huge help and distraction from other stuff. Amazingly I do have a diploma in stress management, but am incredibly bad at managing my own stress. Actually I'm crap at it! I feel completely dreadful because I think I may have upset someone last week, just because I was buckling under the pressure a bit. It's really hard because I couldn't explain exactly why I was behaving like a complete muppet. Life has to be so complicated *sigh* I wish I was a sheep sometimes, they seem to do nothing other than eat and sleep, well and conga occasionally!! Actually I could possibly do with a holiday, and that's not something you hear me say often either. I'm thinking a mini break in a Holiday Inn by the M25 might be better than nothing at the moment. Does anyone know if they allow sheep??

Pull yourself together Emma!

2010-09-07T11:48:00.000+01:00

Unfortunately Newton Guinea pig has died suddenly. I blame his debauched 24hr party lifestyle I'm afraid. Those Guinea pigs certainly burn the candle at both ends with their constant sexual exploits and generally running up and down the ramp jumping on each other. So now I'm down to just two, I hope they don't wear themselves out through sex as well, although it has to be said it's a hell of a way to go! I've had cockerels sex themselves to death and they've always gone with a smile on their beaks!!

Currently I'm feeling rather like I've been hit by a truck, run through a mangle several times and then descended upon by crows. I am *trying* to get my head into some sort of order so that I can get back into the studio and do some painting, I need to be working. There are times when I truly hate having an artistic temperament, it's a bloody nightmare being sensitive and emotional. I wish I could not give a sheep's wotsit about anything like normal people do. I also hate any kind of conflict, I can't deal with it at all and I get terribly upset if I think I may have inadvertently upset anyone else. I just want everything to be happy and lovely, which actually I don't think is a bad character trait to have. Oh and note to my mother; yes I am eating, I went out yesterday and had a mozzarella and tomato panini, a cappuccino (I can tolerate milk as froth!!) and a huge slice of chocolate cake!!

On a plus point "the dress" has been invited out at the weekend, so I have to go with it as well to make sure it's ok. I'm trying to occupy my brain by looking up hairstyling tips on YouTube as I don't think my normal look of plaits is really going to go with it. I've got earrings too, yes for people who know me well I know it's extraordinary to think of me "done up" with jewelry and the like, but I promise I can scrub up ok should the situation demand! To be honest at first I thought I was being invited out to a restaurant that might be something to do with John Prescott as I thought the person said it was called Prezza's. Obviously you can imagine what kind of mental images that conjured up! But apparently it's Italian, so I don't need to worry!

Special delivery

2010-09-06T16:30:00.000+01:00

I had to send one of my pictures by post today. I hate this, it's like entrusting one of my babies to the care of Royal Mail, a frightening prospect! Although I try to package them as well as I can, I worry myself sick about them "in transit", it's a bloody nightmare!! This was particularly bought home to me last time I had to post one as although I send them special delivery, I told the postmaster to take extra care as the picture had been difficult to finish, and he replied he'd pray it got there in one piece! I can tell you it didn't exactly fill me with confidence in the service! My pictures are all important to me, I guess I feel in some ways there's a small part of me in each one. I have this really weird relationship with what I produce, I can't quite explain it. What I love though is making other people happy with them. I like to give them to people, it's kind of my way of expressing how much people mean to me. Although I'm pretty articulate and incredibly open about my feelings (maybe a little too much so at times), I always think a picture is special. Especially if I've done a picture for a particular person, I will have thought of them and the animal as I do it, so I think for me at least those pictures have a very special resonance about them. I haven't done any work at all for a week as I was just too stressed. It's very hard for me as I have to be in the right frame of mind or I just can't produce anything decent at all. It's incredibly frustrating at times and I wish "real life" would bugger off and stop being so intrusive! I'm hoping I can get back to it this week as a part of me is always missing if I'm not working.